LES MAGUIRE CHALLENGED ON THE HOLY GRAIL

ARTHUR: By WHAT name are you known?

MAGUIRE: Les Maguire.

ARTHUR: Not much of a Maguire are you, then?

MAGUIRE: No, M'Lord. I am just a humble, forgotten sideman. I stood next to a fellow who amused people by singing "Ferry Across the Mersey."

ARTHUR: WHAT? Some fairy asking for mercy? Not in MY kingdom! Now STAND AND DELIVER THE HOLY GRAIL!

MAGUIRE: It's up for auction, M'Lord. You must bid for it.

ARTHUR: All right, then, I bid you BRING ME the HOLY GRAIL! I am ARTHUR, your KING!

MAGUIRE: Oh, fuck ME, I don't do the housework for 50 years, I need money for a new pacemaker, and people think I was in Herman's Hermits, and now THIS. I have to hand over a treasure because some Royal tells me! Oh, all right. Here you are.

ARTHUR: THIS is THE HOLY GRAIL? You must be mad. Are you...using sarcasm?

MAGUIRE: Let me play it for you, M'lord.

ARTHUR: What kind of witchcraft is this? I hear a voice singing. It sounds like a choirboy singing to the priest who buggered him. What's that line about being SORE?

MAGUIRE: That's "saw," M'Lord. It's how Paul McCartney pronounces "saw."

ARTHUR: PAUL McFUCK ME, never heard of him. What's that line, "Till There were Jews?" Damn, he's got something there. Our Anglo-Saxon country was doing just fine without 'em. Now there are Muzzies, too. The whole country's gone to hell. And here I am, immortal, forced to watch it all, and still hunt for the Holy Grail, and YOU bring me THIS stupid thing.

MAGUIRE: M'Lord, THIS stupid thing will make me a rich man thanks to some extremely stupid gook-faced Japanese who thinks owning vinyl makes him cool.

ARTHUR: Please, shut up. Come along, men. False alarm. Why do ASSHOLES insist on calling every piece of tat "The Holy Grail?"

MAGUIRE: Wait, how about this? A worm curled up in a shell! I found it in the garden. A bird took a few pecks at it.

ARTHUR: That's a holey snail.

MAGUIRE: Maybe you'd like a rare mono copy of The Doors' first album?

STRANGE VOICE: DIMMMMMMMSDALE!!!!