Amy Wagstaff Wetone Anticipates Success

Says extra-chunky Amy Wagstaff Wetone:

"I know my GooTube readings of "Pie and Peach Juice" have not been a success. I mean, I eat an entire pie for breakfast, and a quart of peach juice, but nobody wants to hear me slobber and gurgle about it every day. I've described my breakfasts six or seven times so far, a chapter on each breakfast, and I've gotten very few hits, but several kicks and a dirty look or two."

Amy natters on: "OK, so I whined and wheedled on Kickstarter and got people to PAY for me to do readings on GooTube. And nobody's been viewing me. I know things will be better when Darren and I make our debut as a singing duo. You know, before my hobby of drawing diseases, or reading dreary drivel, I was an amateur singer."

Indeed, here's a picture of her hitting a high note.

After she hit that note, she was kicked in the twat. "I got the last laugh," Amy explains, "when the bastard had to go storming off with only one shoe."

Some time later she took guitar lessons from Geoff Whitewhore. Geoff got exasperated, pulled down his pants and gored Amy with his White Horny underpants.

Amy admits it was a setback. In fact, she was set back about five feet, and landed on a soggy bush. It was her own.

"The next group I joined was Boko Haram. I got an instrument, and I waved the thing all over the place; practiced till I was black in the face." The instrument was a speculum. She inserted it in her twat and played it like a castanet, but the Boko bunch wasn't impressed. Put it this way, Amy was the first woman they didn't rape. They were going to send her home by barge, but realized she was one. With the Somali Pirates refusing to board her, she returned safely to England, and beached herself in Grimsby.

It was then that the Council vowed to do something about the unsightly and smelly docks. Everyone's still waiting. But the smell of rotten fish isn't Amy. Under cover of night, she was dragged away by Darren and Bill. She is once again attempting to learn an actual musical instrument.

"I keep asking Darren to plug it in, and he keeps refusing. Doesn't he know I mean the electric guitar? Darren has his own problems. He has this little whistle he keeps zippered in his pocket. At least, I think it's the zipper to his pocket. And I think it's a little whistle. I've asked him to take it out and blow it for me, and he shivers and shakes his head. As far as I know, the only other instrument he plays is the top of his head. He cracks his knuckles on his bald noggin, opens his mouth, and an echo sound comes out. Sometimes I hear a lyric line, like "I got this in the mail from Amazon..." Which he repeats endlessly."

Amy isn't sure when the duo will be ready to perform. She's not even sure if her duo is "THAT PRICK" or "PRICK THAT."

She admits, "I hope Darren doesn't go with "PRICK THAT." One day I heard somebody behind me say "PRICK THAT," and I felt a pin in my arse. I began flying around the room backwards and landed flat on my face. It did improve my features, but I wouldn't want to go through it again. For one thing, it alarmed weather forecasters all over the country who wondered where the earthquake was."