Sticking It To the Assholes

There are so few outraged vigilantes out there. Few will literally take big risks to revenge against morons and strike a blow for dignity and manners.

There are so few...that they tend to get in the paper, if only as eccentrics. If only as an almost comical "human interest" story. Come read about the wacky person, one against "a thousand clowns."

This works, by the way, only if you are a vigilante who is will to stand up and let 'em print your name and photo (so you can risk MORE abuse).

The NY Post is prone to do a feature on some Don Quixote oddball (yeah, guess who was once given a full page). Here, it's some guy who has the nerve to OBJECT to slobs who park their cars in handicapped parking spaces, hog two parking spaces, or park in front of hydrants or double park so that they trap somebody who can't get out of their LEGAL space.

This is how stories like this work. You contact the paper or some amused friend does it for you. Once you agree to doff your anonymity for what usually isn't anything profitable and nothing likely to make you really famous or get you any income, they send their team out. The photographer has orders to incriminate you. "Hey, let me pose you showing you..." angry, sad, pointing in rage, committing a semi-legal act...whatever is eye-catching.

The reporter? The reporter's job is to be entertaining. You hope that YOU will be so heroic that you will be written up as an amazing individual. But if it's more entertaining to portray you as a ridiculous crank, your article will backfire into something that might take years to live down.

You never know, until the piece runs, if your point has been made, or if the reporter has turned it around by going to the opposition, with counter-quotes from people who will insult you, trivialize you, or threaten to make your life a hell on earth.

So far so good, eh? He got himself and his cause in the paper. He's not written up as a nut.

However, the guy has an uncommon name and can easily be tracked down. Anyone who has had his sticker put on their car now knows who he is. Heh heh.

So far not so good, eh?

If the point is to get changes made, no, nothing's been done. Where is the quote from a politician or a police officer addressing this problem??

The Department of Transportation and the local fuckhead donut-eating antagonistic cop-pigs are NOT doing anything about the problem, and a big reason is that this guy is located in Queens. That's one of the outer boroughs.

The city doesn't much care what happens in Queens. Snow removal is not a priority there as it is in Manhattan. In Manhattan, posh, influential people can call up the cops and get somebody to write a ticket on an asshole. In fact, most don't have to, because in some of the fancier neighborhoods, there are fleets of traffic pussies (the kind who aren't real cops and don't carry guns) who write up thousands of dollars in parking violation tickets.

No, THIS guy does all he can, which is to stick his neck out and slap stickers down by himself, and risk some jerk catching him and chasing him down the street.

He's tried selling on ETSY (gee, why not EBAY). He's fond almost nobody will put their money where their aggravation is. Which is quite true. Most aren't SO upset by a problem they'll buy soundproofing or hire a hitman. Few will even by glue to stick in the lock of some asshole who keeps his bike illegally chained and locked to a gate. PS, an irony here is the ONE person who bought stickers from him is from the "Upper East Side," which is Manhattan, and which is one of the toughest neighborhoods with the most tickets written for parking violations.

This guy is one of the few "active" vigilantes who takes it to the street.

Actually, there aren't even many "passive" vigilantes, the type who will take a bit of time to write a letter about a problem, or e-mail or phone Kickstarter or eBay to report an obnoxious violation. Do it and you wait 24 hours, 48 hours, and wonder why nothing's happened and if it ever will.

Maybe your batting average is 1 out 3 or 5 or 10. Maybe you win a few, and it makes you feel a little better and more in control, but waiting for action is stressful. And getting ignored is worse. You're like Lenny Bruce in Dylan's song: "He fought a war on a battlefield where every victory hurt."

In this story, the reporter gives us one bit of odd good news: putting stickers on cars isn't a crime. Well, not much of a crime. Not if the sticker can be easily removed. At best, it's merely a "nuisance," like the jerks who put leaflets under windshield wipers, or the panhandlers who are a little too "aggressive."

The bad news? The piece ends with the reporter avidly interviewing the opposition; a few slobs who are INDIGNANT that somebody wants LAWS ENFORCED, and who state that if they saw this guy sticker their car, they'd make him very, very sorry.

So how would you grade the reporter? I'd say it was a fairly balanced story except for NOT interviewing a politician or a cop about the problem.

There's your 21st Century uncouth stupidity. Here's one David against an entire neighborhood of gigantic steel goliaths; badly parked cars owned by pigs. The reporter underlines the point that this vigilante IS running the risk of getting caught and creamed by some arrogant slob.

We're told in this "society" to just accept that the streets will be festooned with dog shit, that dogs will be allowed to bark all day and idiots will be allowed to noisily party all night. We're told to accept that sociopath assholes will bike on the sidewalk, tape self-entitled signs to bus shelters, and park any way they damn please.

Although this reporter didn't even suggeset it, we're usually told NOT to take the law into our own hands but call the cops if there's a problem. Right, and the cops respond by ignoring us, and/or stating a barely civil equivalent of "Fuck off."

The answer to everything is to either ignore it, put on headphones, shut your eyes, or "walk away."

Some brat is making noise in public? And won't stop? Don't tell the parent. Or, don't expect the parent to do anything but insult you if not take out a blade and slash your throat.

Keep at it as they wear you down, thinking about your heroes like Paul Newman in "Cool Hand Luke" (who didn't end up well) or Jack Nicholson in "Cuckoos Nest" (who also didn't end up well). Maybe your hero is Ochs, who sang his protest songs, could've died during the Chicago 1968 riots (he claimed he died, spiritually) and who ended up defeated and literally at the end of his rope.

The anti-hero's fate is usually not pleasant. You wonder what the message of these fuckin' movies is! You wonder why instead of Ochs people cheer assholes like Bieber and Malick.

At best, you get your name and photo in the paper. And it really doesn't interest anybody, outside of a small circle of friends. Believe me.