All You Have to Lose is a Fiverrrr

"Hello, Knickerless Pain here. Here. And here. (Home. Home. And home.)

"I'm home most of the time. I went out to the store last week, and the dog catcher came after me. Another time it was Pest Control. Another time somebody said 'Call the London Zoo! There's an escaped wombat!'

"As long as I'm at home so much, I decided to open a FIVERRR account.

"I will record a one minute song for a FIVERRR. Yes. That's right. Give me the name of somebody you dislike and I will sing that person's name over and over: FUCK OFF...PERSON OF YOUR CHOICE. I've done over 50 of these so far. Every time, people asked me to sing MY name.

"Other options:

If you have lyrics and want them obscured by horrible banging on guitar strings: $30. No haggling. Can't pay, fuck off!

If you have horrible music and want somebody yelling over them: $30. Don't like the price? Fuck off.

I can add video so you can see my forlorn, Muppet-like shaggy turdish face. That's $30 extra.

I am a professional: I had somebody leave a "nice" comment on YouTube (thanks, Mom). I starred in the film "The 40 Year Old Virgin." My version was on 8mm and lasted 3 minutes. It was widely praised for being silent. I am currently raising money to have it "Colorised by Titley."

I can sing in a high register if you kick me in the balls.

You can use my voice for repelling rodents from your home. I am available to visit your home and clean your toilet with my hair. I can bring along a drummer, sing, and help you break your lease. If you'd like to hear a Northern Irish accent, feed me beans and listen to my farts.

I must make a rebuttal to the one-star reviews I've gotten. It's true it can take up to 10 days to fulfill an order, but it's just hard to get off the toilet. Especially when you have an ass as fat as mine. The suction and seal is so strong, it sometimes takes the police and the "jaws of life" to free me. I try to remember to coat the seat with oil; which is easy if I remember to rub my face on it.

Usually I create echo by singing with the microphone deep in the toilet. Unfortunately for one order, the toilet was so full to the very lid, I couldn't use it. I went into the kitchen with my microphone, and I admit, the result "was out of sink." I would've refunded the money but I chose instead to buy shampoo. That way I could clean the toilet thoroughly with my hair, and use my head as a plunger to clear the drain.

Have I said "Fuck Off" lately? Let me add it now! It's my BEST LYRIC!!!

I am also available to put funny captions to photos, to get any random drummer or howler monkey and pretend to be a long-running punk band, and I can show up in person and make a fist and show how I can put a fiverrr up my ass.

If you want a love song, I am the one to do it. I am a heartbroken slob who can rhyme love and oaf, sad and fat, and most of all, fuck off and Obama.

Don't go elsewhere. Shauna may be a cute twat, but I've spent nearly 50 years getting the reputation for being a cunt!"