2016 Star Trek Convention Autograph Prices

It's time to BOLDLY GO to another geek convention. That is, if you're a lifeless drone, childish twits, obese oaf, or one of those TREKKIES who prefer to be called TREKKERS.

It's the 50th Anniversary, another excuse to put on your pajamas, pretend it's a uniform, and pay more than $2 per second to tell your fave "Star Trek" performer how devoted you are.

I know 'Star Trek' fans are an easy mark, and I know some of the performers who are VERY happy that these losers will throw money at them. Still, I can't resist pointing out how stupid this all is. I hope that after this 50th Anniversary convention, everyone will CURB THEIR ENTHUSIASM for a show that wasn't THAT great in the first place.

Any normal person might have a few episodes lying around (oh, that one with the Tribbles...) and that's ALL. The characters were amusing but after a while...BORING. Certainly not worth wasting $50 to $150 for an autograph or photo op. (OK, IF I'M BEING HONEST, I actually did stand in line and get an autographed book by Shatner, but it was because of so many OTHER things he's done, and because he's an amusing guy, and because he had to charge only LIST PRICE at the signing, ha ha ha ha ha...)

Appropriately enough it was CNN's MONEY website that broke the news about the convention, and how much the twinkling STARS will charge to twinkle on you.

As I downloaded the prices the performers will be charging, several of our favorite drips, dweebs and dimwits looked over my shoulder and made comments.

SASKIA: "He's still CUTE. Oh. That's NOT a recent picture? So what. I'm going right to Kickstarter. I want to raise $5,000 so I can write and record a song about him! I also want another $5,000 to take lessons in speaking Russian. Yes, I want to make this an EP with one track in English, and the other a Russian translation! Just wait! I could do MORE after this! Stay tuned! Keep on paying attention to me! Great things are happening! I am so fired up about my own talent! My twat is perpetually moist! I predict that by 2017 I will develop breasts! Hey everyone, looking like Conan O'Brien isn't a bad thing!"

ROBIN, LARD OF THE FART SALE: "Oh dear, why isn't he charging 10 shillings? I have a copy of Mantovani's Embassy recording of the "Star Trek" theme. It did not chart. It did not cost me more than 10 shillings. I remember the day I got it. The sky was blue. My dog muffin took a shit that was coppery chestnut. Or it had bits of chestnuts in it and tasted coppery. All I know is I could get a hundred records at a boot sale for what Takei is charging. Lord, for THAT price, I can get two guys to spit-roast me at the Pleasuredome, mouth and arse. I could get my dog Muffin wormed. I could dress in drag and wander around my posh neighborhood telling everyone I'm Dame Judi Dense. I like to catch fish I am fond of Matt Munro when I do not see enough dealers at the boot sale my knickers get into a twist. Oooh, my brain is farting."

BILL: "Gurgle..gurgle...sploot...oops. That mess on the side of her head put a mess on the backside of my pants! I've seen pictures on EBAY of Jeri taking a dick up her ass. They are in the adult section. I would love to bring one for her to autograph! I wonder if those pictures are real. Ha ha, just kidding. When it comes to sci-fi TV, I like "Lost in Space." "Star Trek" is way too adult for me."

CREEPY PAUL: "Oooh, for that money, do I get to put my arm around her, and open my mouth and grimace and blast her with my bad breath? I'd love to be hangin' with KATE. I am SUCH a wild and crazy guy! I want to hold her tight, so she'll look exactly as miserable as she does in that photo!"

KNICKERLESS PAYNE: "Fuck Whoopi! Fuck Whoopi! Oh, I'd like to FUCK WHOOPI. I can imagine re-writing my "Fuck Obama" song, and playing it while I FUCK WHOOPI.

"I got my guitar. Hold on. Here I go:

"I want a girl. Don't want her to have been around the worl. She must be a virgin. Not have a twat that smells like a sturgeon. She must be true and not laugh at you. (I mean me. I'll fix that line later).

"I am sad in this worl. Because my straggly long hair is like a girl. But I am as fat as a moose. So what is the use? I'm done before I've started. I sit here broke and I farted. Women tell me I'm silly. They say I'm fat with a tiny Willie as limp as a lily.

"Oh oh, I could never figger. I'd lose my virginity to...uh, wait, I'll think of a rhyme...wait..."

WILLIAM SHATNER: "That fucking fuck of a fuck who played Picard ain't showing up, is he? I hate it when Millennial pricks say HE was the best Captain. If he shows up, I'm doubling my price, and you can't go to Priceline and try and get me to beat it. So beat it!"

SHAUNA: "Check my GooTube channel! I instantly wrote a song about her. She's Black Irish, you know. Her character is Uhura. I have written a lovely waltz: "Uhura, hura, hura, that's an Irish lullaby!"

"PS, I only spend money on razors and shaving cream for my twat. And some lemon juice to keep my hair pale yellow. And the ironing board so my hair stays straight. I won't be buying a photo. No buy. Bye byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"