Bill : "DEAD DAVE Got Photos I Didn't Get!"

Turn on the Gurgle Translator:

"It's me, Bill again, and I've shit my diaper twice in the past hour! I'm so distressed. I've been looking at Dave's collection. Well, call him DEAD DAVE.

"He's as fat as me or Creepy Paul, and he likes to waddle over to celebrities, grab a squeeze, and give a glare into the camera with his gruesome mug. We all know what that expression actually means: 'Here I am, with a celebrity for barely the amount of time it takes for a camera to click.' But like me and Paul, he could show off and impress everyone, and act like he's really something. Grr. I like to think I'm so unique. What if people realize that THOUSANDS of fans go to the memorabilia shows and THOUSANDS write to the stars???

You can see why Bill has shit his nappies:

Dave's collection is mostly D-list porn stars too skanky and unknown to be invited to famous Comic Con or "Chiller" shows on the East Coast.

Dave, or rather DEAD DAVE, spent his life haunting strip clubs and porn theater openings and sleazy Vegas lounges for these photo ops. Now? Now there's an ESTATE SALE on eBay where ALLLLLLL his TREASURES are being auctioned off for chump change.

Not exactly immortal, Dave isn't even named in the auction ads. It's just "estate sale from a collector." His collection will be splintered off and sold here, here, and here and there, to a variety of twits, nitwits and Ridiculous Rolands.

Most will pay less than 10% of what Dave paid for the autograph-photo op. After all, who wants an autographed photo with a big ugly dope in the picture??

Bill's eyes cloud over as he imagines how valuable and impressive HIS collection is. "I'm sure that when I die, my sister will make sure my memorabilia is displayed in a special room at the Smithsonian. Maybe Gov. Christie will declare a day for me, and all the photos will be on display in the mayor's mansion at least. That is, IF I die. How can I die when I haven't gotten my picture taken with every Dr. Who??"

Like most every fanboy, DAVE had no real loyalty. It was QUANTITY and not QUALITY. He'd jerk off to any actress, any magazine, and not only drop a load looking at National Geographic, he'd even get excited by staring at a gasoline tank hole in an issue of Popular Mechanics.

Dead Dave lusted after "traditional" movie stars but most of them don't bother with sleazy memorabilia shows. For those "high class" actresses he drooled after, he wrote letters, paying for a "list of celebrity home addresses" that came graded with an A (always signs) or D (asks for payment) or F (doesn't even return your photo).

Being classless and tacky, if there was a NUDE photo of the celebrity, he sent it. Only a classless and tacky actress would sign such shit for him, even for pay. In fact, Captain Hook could name the actress on one hook. Linda Low-Class One-Movie Blair.

Can anyone name more than ONE movie she made? That's why within a few years after THE ONE MOVIE, she was posing for OUI with her chubby tits hanging out. Since she didn't bother to personalize the photo to Dead Dave, it's going for a decent price. A rarity among the DEAD DAVE archives.

The relentless chunky fanboy had that desperate look in his eye. Unlike dopey Bill, this was the kind of guy women had to be wary of. Better let him clutch and grab for a moment, because if he doesn't think he's got his "moneysworth" Christ knows what he might do when he's lurking in the parking lot after the show.

Here's a wise woman who was willing to pose and pretend to find this grim, hulking misfit attractive. His $50 was attractive, for sure.

PS, you've noticed the "auction house" (or rather, a porcine greasy cretin of dung beetle) insists on putting his eBay name all over each photo. DAMNED if he'd let some weasel get a clear view and download the image for free! Lord knows, there ARE parasites on eBay who do copy the photos and sell digital print-outs of autographed photos for a whole $2.99.

PPS, you notice in the creepy image above, DEAD DAVE wasn't even paying attention to the whore's corny fakery? He was glaring at the camera: "Got this? It's ME, ME with a porn star? ME. I'm next to a woman who has sucked hundreds of dicks in cheap movies, just so she can charge more when she whores in Vegas. As in: "You saw me in a porn film, so I'm famous. Gimme $1000 and I'll blow you." Yeah. Look at me. Damn, I hope I have the same expression in this photo as I do in every other one. Arrrrggggh."

Wonder if he walked away sniffing, hoping to get a good whiff of the smell of her tongue on his cheek. Bet he raced into the nearest men's room and jerked off while staring at his wet cheek. Ain't that a pretty picture?

Speaking of PRETTY pictures, oooh, HERE is a goodie.

Lucky DAVE. Except you're dead. And you didn't even SEE her twat because you were too busy glaring into the camera, ya pudgy-faced LOSER.

"Har har, haw haw, hee-yuk! Dave, didja stick yer finger in her twat, didja? Haw haw. What did she smell like, Dave! Yee-yuk! Didja cop a feel on her titties?"

IF HE WAS BEING HONEST with his friends, he had to say, "There was a line of guys down to the toilets, and her manager was shouting, "Awwright, get over here, stand here, 1-2-3," and then, "that's it, NEXT." It was not sexy, it was just a humiliating transaction for money."

NO woman would want to stand next to a meat-faced moron and be thrilled about getting $20 or $50 for it. It's almost as degrading as BEING the meat-faced moron. Paying for it and accepting payment are almost equally pathetic.

But try telling that to overgrown fanboys. Overgrown fanboy Bill, still alive and ill, took a look at that last photo a little too long:

"Oooof, I shit my diaper again. Oh, I loved her in "2001 Guys: A Gangbang Orgy." I worship stars soooo much. So many of the STARS Dave took photos next to never came to the East Coast, and many are dead of AIDS. That's such a tragedy...that they died BEFORE I could have my photo taken with them. Oooh, stars! When I stand next to them, my face turns pink, my mouth drools, my teeth chatter so much I have to clamp them down on my lower lip, and...you guessed it...SHIT!"