First off, Shauna Cuntwell has not posted a new song in weeks. Says Bill, "She nicked her twat while shaving, and she's been light-headed and confused ever since. I mean, more than usual."
Secondly, his other client, Sonja, changed her mind about doing a tribute to Andy Scott. She now wants to do a tribute to the Hindenburg.
"Since I'm in New Jersey," Bill gurgles, "Sonja thinks I'd be able to manage a big show in Lakehurst, where the Hindenburg blew up. Sonja figures she has the vocal ability to sound like a giant balloon popping, but she won't come over until she fully resembles the Hindenburg. That means she has to lose some weight."
Sonja also wants to wait till she completes her concept album about the Hindenburg, which will be called "Hot Air."
Last but definitely not least, Bill has been shaken by the knowledge that he is NOT the only New Jersey-based fanboy who likes to waddle around taking gruesome photos of himself with D-list celebrities.
"I couldn't believe it, but there's another guy on Farcebook who spends all his time uploading his personally autographed photos that he paid for, and pictures of himself with stars, which he also had to pay for. I thought I was unique!
"I am sure I have the bigger collection, but this guy is getting nice comments, and is making me feel bad. I thought I had the most distinctive toothy grimace! I thought that I was the ONLY librarian doing this! Now I find there's "CREEPY PAUL" as I call him, trying to compete with me.
"Aside from my managing work, I'm a librarian for a legal firm. THIS guy, is a librarian for one of the small town libraries in New Jersey. I'm not sure which is more, uh, prestigious. Or, uh, sounds more hip. All I know is he LOVES to pose with celebrities. Grr! Grrrgle! Ooops, I've shit myself again."
Bill sent over some examples. It seems that CREEPY PAUL has a penchant for posting a photo and identifying the celebrity with a giddy exclamation point.
"GREG EVIGAN!"
No question, some of Greg's star power has rubbed off on Paul, as he positively GLOWS to be standing next to this guy. Greg...WHO?
"What do you mean, WHO," grimaces Bill. "Once you've said GREG EVIGAN, what more is there to say? Are there any other two words you can say? Besides, "GOOGLE HIM?"
What truly enrages Bill is that Creepy Paul's specialty is acting like he's not a virgin, but a swinging insider. In most every picture with a female celebrity, he's copping a feel.
Despite the rude remarks on the photos, Bill could not help from weeping.
"Doesn't he look like he actually KNOWS these women? Doesn't he do a really good job of pretending he's a show biz agent or manager? All over his Farcebook page, every photo has that cool remark, "Hangin' with Celebs." As if he's old friends with them, and didn't pay them. Why didn't I think of that? Instead I schlump around with a plastic bag for my autographed DVDs and CDs, and I have that quizzical idiot look on my face."
"Compare MY teeth to HIS teeth," Bill grumbles. "Mine are tiny and yellow, and he's like Stonehenge by comparison...huge strange blocks standing up at all angles! WOW!"
Bill complains, "This guy even re-posts some of his images. If a celebrity has a birthday, he goes back and finds the photo where he pretends he's a close personal friend. I'm surprised he doesn't post the image on the star's Farcebook page saying, 'remember how much fun we had? Loved hangin' with you! CIAO for NOW!"
Bill's so irked at Creepy Paul, there's no telling what might happen.
It's possible that the next memorabilia show in New Jersey will see some kind of "Godzilla vs The Giant Turtle Gamera" battle, as these two toothy, overweight librarians confront each other.
"He better stay away from Gary Lockwood and Keir Dullea, is all I can say," Bill growls.
He's also gone to a dentist and had some imaging done. "I'll pay thousands of dollars if I have to. If he thinks his teeth give him an advantage over my grin, I have all the money I need to fix that!
"Traveling to graveyards, buying endless autographed photos, and paying to stand near stars has NOT disposed of all my disposable income! I do have a pension and I'll use every penny to out-tooth this guy! The cosmetic dentist gave me this imaging photo and told me he can make this happen!!"
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