Shauna Funds Kickstarter Kampaigns

Having read, with great amusement, how Amy Wagstaff-Wetone loves to toss her money on any Kickstarter campaign that involves food, I wondered what fundraisers piqued Shauna Cuntwell.

"Well, guyyyyyy," she said, "I don't have much money for that. I spend so much on shaving cream and razor blades to keep my twat hairless. I pay to have my songs on iTunes. So I have only offered to help three people who wanted money."

Here they are.

THE ARIANA GRANDE DOUCHE BAG:

"I would like to raise $35,000 to manufacture Ariana Grande Douche Bags, in a grande size, because even the tiniest twat can stink like camel snot. I want to use Ariana's name and face because all the young sluts like her so much. They can add a little bit of Ariana's perfume to the bag, so they can smell just like her. If they add a bit too much, the sting will make them squeal so high they'll sound like Ariana. Please help me, as I don't want to work for a living."

FAIL.

Shauna also tried to fund...

THE TAYLOR SWIFT TAILORED QUIFF.

"All us Millennial chicks shave our pussies and LOVE Taylor Swift. I thought it might be nice, once in a while, to surprise a boyfriend or girlfriend and wear a cunt wig that looks just like Taylor's shiny, flat blonde hair. People say she's a cunt, lol!

Spice up your love life. Is your lover tired of staring at that boring bald box with the pink blobs of hanging lox? Glue on your Taylor Swift Tailored Quiff.

You can trim it to the exact size that's right for you! Some call this item a "Merkin," or "Pussy wig," but I think "Tailored Quiff" is elegant and classy, like Taylor! I think $200 for the materials, and $2,000 for my time in stitching each wig, is fair. I'd like to donate 100,000 of these, so, considering a slight profit for myself, I think I can get this project going for only half a million dollars."

FAIL.

And lastly, much to Shauna's chagrin, this one failed too.

"My name is Titley. I like to accompany silent movies with fart noises. This seems to annoy some people. They think I'm a clueless twit. But think of it, Lon Chaney, the Phantom of the Opera turns around, shows his ugly face AND farts! No wonder Mary Philbin pulls back in shock and horror!

I'm sure most every Muslim who has a diet of goat meat and hummus, makes disturbing farts that are not harmonious with the teachings of Mohammed. I'm also sure that the average fat blob, like Amy Wagstaff-Wetone, could use something up her ass that would render her fart tones as mild as the singing of Saskia Basket-Case.

The bottom line: who wants to disgust people with flat fart notes? I need at least $50,000 to help fund my experiments. I know it's a pain in the ass to ask for money, but this whole experiment is a pain in the ass!"