Grimsby Telegraph: "We're SHIT but NOT in the toilet yet."

Small-town newspapers are dropping dead. Some of them can't make it even when relying on having 75% of their content written for them by a parent company.

Lots of big newspaper chains give their paltry 60,000 circulation syndicated "sisters" a ton of generic articles, and expect them to merely add a few pages of local blabber and ads. It ain't working out:

A spokesdrip for the Grimsby Telegraph agrees, "Yes, we share shit with our "sister" newspapers. After all, Grimsby news is so depressing, why not discuss Cleethorpes instead?

"We've tried to run neutral articles, like big pieces on British athletes at the Olympics, none of whom are from Grimsby. Mostly we're stuck with the same droning garbage every day: some meth bitch getting beat up by a chav, some chav getting beat up by a meth bitch, a bunch of vandals doing damage, the Council screwing up the latest ideas for bringing industries back to Grimsby, and inbred drunks with their pants down trying to screw members of the Council.

"We run ridiculous pieces on real estate "bargains," and promote dreadful local restaurants, and we'll even lick the cunt of some gypsy fortune-teller since we have so little to write about.

"We thought we could save ourselves by having an Internet website, but it's such a joke, we're known as the Grimsby Tell-a-Laugh. The most interesting part of our website isn't the articles, like dredging up ancient murders and crimes (as if we don't have plenty of fresh ones). It's the comments left for our lame "reportage." Aside from spam from "get rich quick" websites, there will be angry, funny remarks from readers, mostly heavily censored by our "filters" which seem to find fault with half the contents in Webster's Dictionary. Some of the comments are so interesting we have to remove theme and ban the writers. We can't have them showing us up for being dullards.

"Just how long we can survive is hard to say. The words, like dicks, stick in our throats. We've had to move our offices to a Port-o-Potty. Our reporters regularly cringe as Grimsby's dumbfuck criminals are all around us, throwing rocks, setting fires, and even stealing shit. Yes, they are SUCH dumbfuck criminals, they break into our toilet and steal shit!

"Our response is to keep our heads in the toilet. We're protecting our shit! What else can a staff of assholes do?"