THE RED AND THE BLACK : Dopey Ginger vs Dead Nigga

The Marvin Gaye estate is at it again: "You rippin' off Marvin, yo!"

Now it's up to some old, clueless judge to figure out if it's true. On the plus side, Ed Sheeran will be spending some significant money defending his dopey self.

Probably no estate is more lawsuit-happy than Gaye's. Rather than nickel and dime with cease-and-desist on all the bloggers stealing from The Black Man, or taking a look at what's on GooTube, they only go after HIGH PROFILE white performers.

Ed Sheeran, who goes to the same sponge-and-muss hair stylist as Boris Johnson, would tell you he's just an adorable ginger marshmallow who means no harm. "I hardly want to harm a hair on my face," he adds, explaining the grunge of his muppet-like stubble.

Sheeran added, "I'm almost black. I keep doodling stupid tattoos on my arm, and soon enough all my skin will be covered with ink."

Ed certainly isn't a malicious plagiarist, two words he could never spell. He's just another sensitive singer-songwriter who, in the tradition of everyone from Jake Bugg to Elliott Smith, is a Bob Dylan for retards. Although he's never written a single song that matches Bob, autistic music fans under 30 think he has. Ed believes if he did lift a line or a note or two from anyone, it was because he's just an autistic retard. He will submit a photo of his face to the judge, as proof.

Ed's lawyer states, "Sheeran is as harmless as a Keebler elf. He's just a leprechaun version of Lightfoot, a muddle-headed McLean, a sloppy Simon, a homeless man's Hardin, and an oaf's Ochs. Leave him alone and go pick on Sam Smith. That masochistic faggot would enjoy it."

Gaye's lawyer states, "Show us da money! We ain't playin' witchoo. It is what is is, know wuttum sayin?" And who can argue with that? Besides, he's got a knife in his pocket.