EDINBURGH FESTIVAL? It's NOT FUNNY, I tell you

You remember when there were funny comedians in the world? Like Marty Feldman?

HE didn't want to travel to fucking Edinburgh to see the Edinburgh Festival:

"Isn't there one in London?"

An astute blogger has pointed out the dire, despicable and deadly "jokes" quoted as being among the BEST for this year's Edinburgh (pronounced Edd-in-burra) festival. Jesus Fuckin' Christ.

Let's take a look at a few...

“I’ve been happily married for four years - out of a total of 10” - Mark Watson

Mark, you're a fucking hack. You're switching ancient Henny Youngman jokes.

“Apparently 1 in 3 Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit” - Mark Smith

Christ, another fucking hack. Another formula joke. This one is 50 years old or more. It's basically this one: "My wife and I had passionate sex on the luxurious double bed. Till we were thrown out of the mattress store."

“Brexit is a terrible name, sounds like cereal you eat when you are constipated” - Tiff Stevenson

Hey, CUNT, that isn't even a JOKE. It's a twat "observation." Observe yourself while shaving your slit. Most women are NOT funny EXCEPT when shaving their slits. Har har har har, bitch.

PS, "Tiff" is a terrible name, too. What, you're always getting into an argument? That means you're quite an annoying little bint, aren't you!

“I often confuse Americans and Canadians. By using long words” - Gary Delaney

Hack shit, Gary, who owns one of my least favorite first names. The soft self-set-up and snappy punchline wasn't funny even when it originated, which was before dirt was invented. "I like to feed pigeons in the park. Breastfeed them." That kind of shit. "I often confuse comedians like Gary Delaney. By punching them in the face when they expect a kick in the balls."

“Why is Henry’s wife covered in tooth marks? Because he’s Tudor” - Adele Cliff

Adele? Isn't that the name of a loud, tedious fat blowhard? We have TWO of them now? Adele Cliff, are you related to Jump Offa Cliff? You SHOULD be, you tiresome purveyor of bad puns. You are beyond STUPID. Wanna hear a CUTE stupid pun? Betty White (a funny woman, not many of those) told it. "How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it! How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way!" Awwwww.

“Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?” - Annie McGrath

Zzzzzzz. Don't you hate it when a woman gets off her douche bag just to say something boring? Go back to the bathroom, Annie.

“Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy, I hear you ask” - Jordan Brookes

God, HELP us. A variation on so many bad jokes. What a lame, desperate set-up for NOTHING. Christ, I hate, HATE jokes about Schizophrenia. And so do I. AAAAhhh haaaaa. Come on, laugh it up out there, is this an audience or an oil painting?

“Hillary Clinton has shown that any woman can be President, as long as your husband did it first” - Michelle Wolf

Your point, Rabid Wolf? You don't like your sister clits? Want to slam the first woman with a chance to be President? What a snotty piece of goo you are. You think you're showing any political savvy? No, you're showing ignorance; Hillary didn't go from First Lady to Presidential Candidate. She was a U.S. Senator and the SECRETARY OF STATE. That's not good enough credentials for you, ya Wolfish MOO? Did you get to go on stage because your husband did it first? Or did you suck cock because your husband did it first?

“I spotted a Marmite van on the motorway. It was heading yeastbound” - Roger Swift

How old are you, six?

“I’ll tell you what’s unnatural in the eyes of God. Contact lenses” - Zoe Lyons

Zoe what? Tell me, cunt, you think people are automatically going to politely laugh just hoping you'll get to a REALLY funny line? When did YOU look into the eyes of God? You display all the logic of an epileptic dog trying to mate with your vibrator.

“Elton John hates ordering Chinese food. Soya seems to be the hardest word” - Phil Nicol

See, Swift, Roger. ARE YOU SIX YEARS OLD? "Sorry" is the word for Phil Nicol, the UK's worst comedian.

FUCKING PATHETIC INDEED. It took me less than five minutes to ad-lib through this utter SHITE, and I think my responses were funnier than these morons' jokes. But to quote Dennis Miller (who used to be funny), "That's just my opinion, I could be wrong."

But I'm not.

SAPRISTI!!