The victim of a "spoof," Amy received an email from "Darth Knell," who claimed to be from GooTube and needed to verify her password.
"He said I'd NEVER be able to read more chapters from Pride and Prejudice," Amy sobs, "and that the ones I'd posted would be taken down. I sent my password, and the next thing I know, my cellphone began vibrating. I took it out of my twat, and lord, what a mess!"
Indeed, every photo stored on it had disappeared, only to re-appear on the notorious websites Reddit-and-Barfed, 4Shame, and Blobspot.
"How do I explain the selfies I took while listening to myself reading from old romance novels?" Amy asks. Better yet, how does she explain NOT actually being FEMALE?
"Did you really think a woman could be that ugly?" she laughs. "This also explains why my husband remains outside international waters. He doesn't want to be legally obligated to me anymore, and he likes to masturbate with squids."
Amy (formerly Amahl), spent years studying germs, bacteria, DNA and vaginal discharges before he began injecting himself with estrogen and listening to Adele albums. "Amy" convinced people she was just a homely fat lady with deformed labia and an obese clit.
She was buoyed when she attracted Mr. Wetone, a nearsighted worm repairman from Blackpool. His business was un-knotting worms and gluing smashed pieces of worm together, and selling them as bait to Robin of Sussex. How nearsighted was he? Mostly he pieced together bits of string, and un-knotted rubber bands. He was so nearsighted that the Blackpool businessman regularly took a bus to a train to a bus and ended up in Liverpool instead.
As for marrying Amy, love is blind, and for a long time the fool never knew the difference. Amy recalls, "We always did it dogstyle, and he complimented me. He said, 'You have a very tight hole. And I don't mind that it always smells of shit.' What a guy.
"Isn't it terrible how the Internet works? You try to call attention to yourself and pretend to be talented, and a celebrity, and to give out all your personal information, and disaster strikes. I mean, what is more of a disaster than seeing any fat slob naked?"
What's more of a disaster? Tell us, Amy, please, that you are NOT selling your used knickers on eBay!
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