Shauna Cuntwell sings Eitenleiker Horst

"I found a note written on a tampon wrapper I'd discarded. It was from my manager Bill," says Shauna Cuntwell. "It was cryptic."

More like craptic. After all, Bill had wiped his ass with it, before putting on a new nappie. It said, between the splotches: "Try German market: Shauna cover Eitenleiker Horst."

"I had tossed that note in my knickers drawer, and forgot about it. A few days ago, I found it again. I haven't done Taylor Swift in a long time, and I'd just finished shaving my twat, so I didn't know what to do. I figured I'd try this idea. 

"I went on YouTube and I saw that all this guy Horst does is go on and on about stupid shit he's bought and is unboxing in front of the camera. I knew I could match this with rambling guitar strums. I did it phonetically; I sang into a phone, so Eitenleiker could hear it and approve of my accent. He began breathing funny and then I heard grunts and moans. 

"My next question was the visuals. What would appeal to Germans? A cute Irish bitch? Hell no, Germans are decadent and like deformed freaks. I made a pair of Eitenleiker Horst glasses. That's enough! Attention Germans! Ach, tung! (That means "Out of Tune). You'll love this because it's creepy! Auf Wiedersehnnn-eeeeeeee!"