Kanye West and Miley Cyrus ruin "Saturday Night Live" 40th Anniversary Show

"Lorne, how do we get the ratings to be HUGE for Saturday Night Live?"

"You mean bringing back Chevy Chase, Bill Murray, Steve Martin, Billy Crystal and Dan Aykroyd aren't enough?"

"WHO?"

"We'll have new sketches. We'll have cameos from everyone from Michael Douglas to Sarah Palin."

"SO? You're the producer, you've gotta make this show REALLY special."

"OK, what's YOUR idea? How do we make the SNL re-union more than something for comedy fans?"

"KANYE WEST and VILEY VIRUS, that's what!"

"Yeah. They are ROYALTY, aren't they. They're also..."

"Media whores. You booked them when they first began promoting themselves. Now they're STILL promoting themselves and have no shame."

"Pardon me while I start chugging two bottles of wine in a row..."

And so Kanye and Viley turned up, and were the two Debbie Downers on the show. Here's a bright glitzy special that is supposed to be full of challenging comedy. Even the "here are our dead cast members" montage ended with an eye-gouging gag of listing Jon Lovitz as dead, and then showing him sitting in the audience, bewildered by the mock-insult.

So what happens? Viley, the stick-figure no-talent tries to show she's all grown up, and SO mainstream, by soiling Paul Simon's "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover."

Had she done parody lyrics and "50 Ways To Be Obnoxious," she would've won the day: "Start to twerk, jerk..."

She can't sing, you know. Her creepy, adenoidal stylings couldn't be remotely taken for "rock star," even in a world that has praised the sheep-braying of Stevie Nicks.

But far worse...FAR WORSE...was the gloomy moment Kuntye West appeared. He was introduced, grimly, by Christopher Walken. And what did we see? The great rapper lying on the floor, glowering up at us, upside down:

The Black Christ wasn't going to stay there forever. He WOULD be resurrected. After yapping some rap shit that I couldn't even understand, he struggled to his feet and, assumed yet another pretentious pose. Jesus was hung on the cross with two others, so maybe that's why equally somber idiots, rapper Vic Mensa and Sia appeared on either side of the great Kanye to finish the song. The Great One's lack of singing ability was camouflaged by them, and by his vocoder. "Come on, Nigga gotta use that thing? Kanye, why can't you be more like your goddess BEYONCE and sing without it?" Isn't the vocoder so...90's?

The Daily News reviewed the show and noted: "Kanye West also performed," which was a nice way for classy David Hinckley to phrase it. He didn't want to be a phony and praise it, but he also didn't want to pan it and be accused of being an old white guy who just doesn't get it. Not when the Daily News MIGHT have the power to replace a good veteran reporter making a decent salary with a black girl intern or something.

BUT, big BUTT, the assholes at Rolling Stone, so Liberal, so sensitive, so in tune (Kanye never is, is he), made him the highlight of the evening. Of "Jesus Walks," they wrote that he performed with great "emotion...while lying flat on his back with overhead cameras capturing his restless movements as he rapped into a microphone suspended over his mouth."

Rolling Stone was deeply impressed by that idiot Sia and her Garbo-esque habit of wearing ridiculous garbage wigs, and even gaped at the utterly corny miming and crappy choreography, the kind of junk you'd find in a high school experimental dance class: "The trio performed on a claustrophobic, starkly black-and-white set...crawling and crouching while they sang and rapped." While they stank and crapped.

Rolling Stone duly noted all of Kanye's blessed events in NYC the past few days: "headlining the first annual Roc City Classic with Kevin Durant...surprising (at the) NBA All-Star Weekend concert...."

Oh, and I suppose I should add that Kanye was such a "good sport" when a joke was flung at him when he returned to sit in the audience. "Don't get out of your seat, Kanye," somebody said. Flash to Kanye in mock fury, needing to be restrained by two guards...and then broadly smiling because he's SUCH a GOOD SPORT with a wild and crazy sense of humor.

No, in these rotten times, you can't sit back and read a newspaper without seeing Kanye or his gruesome wife, (who posed on the red carpet at this event as if she was a comedy legend).

If there's no Kanye or Kardashians, you can be sure there will be VILEY VIRUS, Bieber, or Katy Perry, or old lady Madonna. That's amusement and entertainment in these disgusting last days of civilization.