Except I missed 'em. And despite using the catch-phrase immortalized by Chris-sucks-Cock, an English-as-second-language retard, I don't think they're "not to be missed." I think they're all boring, and I'll grab a handful of examples to explain why I didn't watch the Grammy show and will NOT be rushing to GooTube for a second chance.
The "critic" for Bill Bored actually LOVED every mediocre performance? Yes, he claims he did, but you and I know, if you're writing for a kiss-ass mag like his, you can't offend ANY artist or label. They "support" your mag with full page ads.
At best, this Joe Lynch toady meekly noted Eric Church "delivered a fairly middle of the road" performance "of his otherwise great" song. He timidly allowed that Adam Levine and Gwen Stefani were "a bit of a snoozer."
Mostly he did nothing but praise the predicatble. Balls? Iggy Azalea has more balls than Billboard writer Joe Lynch.
The only surprise on his list was that there actually WERE some white entertainers present...brave artists willing to risk a glower from anal-lipped racist egomaniac Kanye West.
Still, I did not regret missing ANY of the great moments Joe Lynch burbled about. Maybe I'm suffering from the "Curse of the Jaded Music Lover." (Proof being that I'm referencing the title of a Woody Allen movie that nobody under 50 even heard of, called "Curse of the Jade Dragon.")
Joe Lynch's list was, like most every free blog, peppered with full-size links to YouTube (where the Grammy greed-heads are making chump change for sticking their "legal" clips on, to prevent a total loss from bootleggy uploaders).
Joe Lynch told me this was "not to be missed..."
JESSIE J and TOM JONES singing "You've Lost That Lovin' Feelin."
You've lost me already. Yes, nice to know Mann and Weil were honored with the "Trustees Award" for having written great songs in the 60's and a lot of shitty stinkers ever since. But to have their career boiled down to one song? Sung by a creepy cunt and an old goat? No thanks.
Look, Tom Jones IS a legend. I just don't need to see or hear him. He's very predictable. And his woolly hair and beard make him look like he's suffering from some kind of sheep fungus. You can imagine him singing that song. Who needs to actually waste time hearing it? As for Jessie J, I never heard of her till I happened to download simpering Graham Norton's show and she was the (non) musical guest. She had short hair, managed to look very ugly and nasty, and when she sang, it was "Oh, no, no, another SHITNEY." Being jaded, I wouldn't have been impressed if she was just another Shirley Bassey, but to use her fucking voice as a car alarm? UGH.
AC/DC doing "Rock or Bust."
I've always LOATHED this group. First off, I'm not a fan of headbangers of any type. There has to be something theatrical and lyrically demented about it, whether it's Alice Cooper or Black Sabbath. "Ballad of Dwight Fry" or "Paranoid?" Sure. I was much younger then, but sure. Now? JADED. And if it's just silly outfits and crappy derivative music? NO. I never got these Aussie faggots with their fucking pedo-schoolboy outfits. What's the deal? You're like "Chuckie" the demented marionette? You're schoolboys on a rampage? Alice Cooper sang "Schools Out" long before you assholes became annoying, and he DIDN'T have to wear a schoolboy outfit to do it. The Kinks did 'Schoolboys in Disgrace' and STOPPED. Senile Aussie wombat-brains in schoolboy drag? Sicko shit.
ARIANA GRANDE
The less said about this irritating little cunt the better.
JEFF LYNNE and ED SHEERAN singing "Evil Woman" and what Bill Bored called "The immortal Mr. Blue Sky."
First off, ELO is sappy garbage. It's like treacle on dog turds. "Mr. Blue Sky" might as well be "Mr. Gimp Legs." It's that lame. As for "Evil Woman," it was ok, but hardly a classic. Pubic-faced Jeff Lynne has never been an entertainer. EVER. The sight of him is appalling. He looks like what a sadistic child might do to a Muppet. As for pest du jour Ed Sheeran, the nicest thing I can say is that he isn't Sam Smith.
Jaded? Say I'm not a masochist. Why would I want to watch that shit?
TONY BENNETT AND LADY GAGA.
Dubbed "a welcome change of pace" by Bill Bored, let me say that I am VERY bored with resurrecting trifling shit from the "American Dongbook," and that includes pseudo-sophisticated prattle from dickhead Irving Berlin. Or from dick sucker Cole Porter. Whether it's Rod Stewart or Bob Dylan, I know these songs, I know how you'd sing them, so DON'T. Tony Bennett, the last asshole standing, always had a harsh, unpleasant voice. Ugly, too. This fetish for finger-snapping Vegas acts is BORING. That Lady Gaga could actually sing a classic and not embarrass herself? Good for her. But I don't really care what's good for her. Good for ME that I missed this. Anyone sitting through it with a smile has to be an idiot.
MIRANDA LAMBERT.
I don't think there's been a cunt-ry singer since the 60's who has done anything to further the cause. At best, there have been some tolerable traditionalists. Iris Dement might not even be considered C&W. Poor suicide victim Mindy McCready was good but not all that original. "I Don't" by Danielle Peck was a neat throwback (that nobody much gave a damn about...her career is nowhere). But the mainstream cunt-ry bitches like Miranda Lambert? Why should I listen to her, or Carrie Underwood or the rest of the sound-alike idiots? I've better things to do with my life. (Although from this blog, this might be hard to believe).
ED SHEERAN WITH JOHN MAYER.
Like Ed Sheeran with Jeff Lynn wasn't enough? "Even if you're not a Sheerio," declared the ass-licking jerk from Bill Bored, "you gotta give props to Ed..." No. I don't.
So far, have I missed anything? Anything I should rush over to GooTube to watch? OF COURSE NOT.
MADONNA...
Hey, Shillboard, don't even tell me about her "Givenchy-masked minotaurs" and "killer...burlesque outfit" or whatever her faggot back-up dancers did. This bitch is OLD OLD OLD OLD cliche junk and an utter waste of time with her mediocre vocals and predictable aerobic antics.
BECK AND CHRIS MARTIN
Does it get any more boring than this? I never understood the appeal of cretinous Beck, who looks like some brat who went out on Halloween with a bad Harry Nisson mask on.
I picked up "Sea Change" or "Sea Sick" or whatever the album was, and it bored me very quickly. Nothing new or interesting. Maybe I'll be ashamed of myself someday when I accidentally get into this guy's music, BUT I DOUBT IT. As for Coldplay, a few of their songs were equal to lesser tracks on Keane's first album. Big deal.
Keane's first album had an interesting sound to it, and quirky rhythms in its meld of music and lyrics. As jaded as I am, that first album amused me. But not Coldplay's crapola. As a performer, Chris Martin does nothing but crouch and sing upward into a microphone, blandly. Why would I need to see that Paltrow-fucker singing with Howdy Doody next to him? If I rushed over to GooTube I'd just end up thinking, "Yeah, just as I expected it would be. A waste of my time."
KATY PERRY.
Unless she's stark naked and bent over and being plowed by one of those porn fuck-machine things, I don't want to see her. And even if she moans about having her cunt coming out of her throat, I don't think I ever want to hear her voice.
BRANDY CLARK AND DWIGHT YOAKUM.
I need to hear more boring sing-by-the-numbers hicks? Would a duet between Garth Brooks and Carrie Underwood be any better? Just telling me they were on stage makes me yawn.
SIA
Oh, this Sia chick is basically just Lady Gaga turning her back to the audience because she doesn't like being recognized.
Know how this pretentious posturing began? Some clods saw her in a restaurant, recognized her, went over to her for a selfie or something, and she popped a tampon over it. She decided: "I don't like fame, I don't like fame..." Then stay the fuck HOME.
No, she has to predictably wear some idiot costume and having some amateurish dancers mime around while she turns away and does her uninteresting singing. Again, what did I miss by NOT seeing this? Christ, it's like being adult and being told, "You've got to go to the circus!"
No, I saw it when I was a KID. I'm not impressed NOW.
So, Sia, see ya later, and stop creeping everybody out with your mediocre singing mated to obnoxious dancers and dopey daft costumes and face masks. WHY would I want to see this shit? I've seen Lon Chaney in a mask. That was 1925. Wearing a mask is OLD, lady. VERY old.
HOZIER AND ANNIE LENNOX.
Why in the world is there still any interest in creepy Annie Lennox? I can hear her cliche vocals without actually listening to her. Name a song, and I can more than imagine her gruesome version of it. Like a better Carly Simon, she can wrap her contralto around some insinuating soul piece or jazz tune (and probably out-do Carly on the American Dongbook) but why bother? She's just gotten uglier, too. Not that she wasn't a freak when she had the red-dyed crewcut. Believe me, I met her in person, and if I was in a bar with her, I would've chosen to go home with a bottle.
Hozier? Hose ya? I have no idea. Which brings me to the predominating black-heads. Yes, the other noteworthy performances (so-called by Bill Bored) were all predictable pieces of shit. Like, oooh, Pharrell is wearing a different novelty hat. Oooh, Beyonce is wearing a pretentious gown and acting like she's high-toned. Oooh, they've brought out head-wagging Stevie Wonder, the genius of all time, to do more of his boring soul-singing (how predictable is HIS Shitney-type multi-siiii-iiii-lahh-yeee-aaay-eelable scatting). PS, I can't stand his fucking harmonica playing either.
According to Bill Bored, the runner-up for best performance was pig-faced mama's boy pseudo-working-class phony Sam Smith who did a duet with that lump of rump who calls herself Mary J. Blige. Her last name always looks like BILGE to me.
Bill Bored's choice for best and most breathtaking performance? Yeah, the Queen of the World (at the moment), tawny-faced BEYONCE, and her dopey version of "Take My Hand, Precious Lord," which unsophisticated and tasteless idiots thought was so moving and somber. Right, and you like paintings on black velvet, too.
No, this JADED MUSIC LOVER didn't need to see any of this shit because I've seen it before. And better. And it's also why I'm glad that, even if I could use the money, I no longer write for mainstream music mags. How could I remotely praise any of the above-named shit? How could I get on the phone with a publicist indignant because I was insulting or, at the very least, didn't burble superlatives about a mediocre performer?
Besides, nobody pays. One website had somebody do some snarky write-ups on the easy target of "fashion fails." As if anything these tasteless tarts wore at the Grammy Awards was flattering, sexy or tasteful! Rihanna and some other dimwit got nailed for being eyesores? So what did the writer get for doing the captions? A byline and a promise "maybe one day Entertainment Tonight will call and ask you to do a slide show where you say snarky things for a national audience. Free. As a non-paid guest. But it'll be SUCH good publicity for you..."
PS, while these were indeed atrocious outfits...women in atrocious outfits don't have the capacity to make me grimace, giggle or even growl out an easy insult. It's too fucking easy to do, and I'm bored and JADED.
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