Paedophile Gary Glitter Wants Pan's Peoples' Peds

Gary Glitter, who has been sentenced to death, has requested an assortment of Pan's Peoples' peds for his last meal.

No? No. Actually, the obnoxiously named Mr. Glitter (Gadd, what an asshole) is merely going away for a good stretch. All for giving underage girls a very bad stretch.

The big surprise, looking at him, is that it was underage girls, not boys.

No word on whether he and Rolf Harris are sharing a cell.

The lesson here, is "look but don't touch. Except touching yourself."

This is a lesson known very well by fans of Pan's People. If you know your mythology, Pan was a mythic creature, round and flat, and very suitable for putting over an open fire to cook stuff in. Pan would get overheated and whatever was on top, whether it was fried eggs or bacon or bits of corn, would start to spit and pop and dance.

Thus, centuries later, a cretin got the idea to name a bunch of twitty twats "Pan's People." Actually they weren't people. People implies men and women. The interest here, was purely Pan's Pussies.

If a girl happened to be rather flat-chested, appealing to paedophiles, so much the better.

Just as Gary Glitter had a cult following, so do Pan's Pussies. There are secret forums where members (ie, dicks) blow up fuzzy YouTube images to check the armpits for sweat stains, and check the crotches for cameltoes, and of course, wait for a high kick to ponder the dirty feet. Fans creatively discuss their favorite topic, which is what kind of aromas the various dancers had: yesterday's haddock, last week's tuna, foot powder and spam, spam-spam foot powder and spam, etc.

IF I'M BEING HONEST, Pam's People were to dancing what arthritis is to dancing.

These twats actually did very little besides a kind of wan aerobics. It was mostly a lot of arm flapping, like parrots with clipped wings. At best, they looked like they were drowning.

They would turn up on "Slop of the Poops" whenever a performer didn't. "Sorry," the host would say, "the talent does not want to stand around and lip sync, so let's bring out the Summer's Eve Douches who will ad-lib a lot of silliness." They seem to follow the McCartney advice that "the movement you need is on your shoulder." Their shoulders move a lot more than their leaden feet.

The Pan's People creatures would come out in all their epileptic glory, doing the same vowel movements no matter what the melody. Fans would always seek out the girl who looked the most like a 13 year-old, and fantasize about just how much her gyrations were affecting her virginity.

IF I'M BEING HONEST, one ridiculous Kate Bush video is worth 10 hours of Pan's People, and Hill's Angels were far more honest (and adult) in the provocative posing for all the King Leers out there.

Still, delusional fans of these failed Fonteyns rave and burble and burp about them with the same bleating hearts as naggy devotees of Dr. Who and Star Trek, only at least those shows had brains behind them, and not just behinds being partially willed into action by very dim brain power.

Hunting around for more video clips of Pan's People is sort of like maggots crawling into shit lumps in search of undigested bits of peanut.

Gary Glitter was no doubt a big fan of Pan's People. You can imagine him haunting the forums where the sad fans of this long lost and forgotten bunch mewl and quiver. Under a psuitable pseudonym, like "Lickee Clitter," Gary would PM with such queries as, "Do you frig when they frug?" And "Be careful with the time you have left. You're no good if you're female and over fifteen." And, "I used to look like the prototype for Nazi monster movies, but now I more closely resemble a perverted Mandarin. Not a Mandarin person, a Mandarin orange. My head has shrunk!"

And he thought this stuff was a turn on. But, he thought knew his audience, which is druids who think Pan's People are a turn on, or talented dancers. Too bad the mod would kick him out, huffing, "You don't show the proper appreciation for gimpy grunions writhing in what appear to be death agonies. We take Pan's People SERIOUSLY here. Which is why we watch our dancers and sob like Adele after removing the harpoon from her blubber.

American comedian Dennis Miller once said, "If you're a pedophile (he used the American spelling), SHOOT YOURSELF. Take one for the team!" If he knew there were still fans of Pan's People, he'd offer them the same advice.