A Great Day for the Irish - Only One Person Killed

The story continues:

Irish Prime Minister Enda Kenny said "I'm OK, so it's not the Enda Kenny. It's not the Enda de World either. It's just rival criminal gangs. Good old fashioned Irish hoodlums. It's not like it's those nigga-faced Muzzies, ya know. Nobody around here wears a burqa. We just had one of the boys dressed as a woman, and a few guys dressed as cops.

"That's how they eluded detection. You always figure a bunch of cops have arrested some whore and are going to the hotel to gang bang her and then let her go. Perfectly normal here in Dublin. It's the Dublin Spit Roast, me boy-o. Two cops for every whore."

When asked for more detail, Kenny simply shouted a hearty, "It's a great day for the Irish," and downed a pint of piss. "It ends up piss, so this is value for money," said Kenny. "In fact it's free. Just put a mug under a horse and shout CROMWELL."

While reporters stood around trying to get the reference, and determine if it was pro or anti-Irish, the famous Ian McNag sauntered by. He promotes smoking skunk, crying over Adele songs and painting children's faces green at block parties. Or as he says, "Irish children should grow up and have pride in painting. Painting barns, stables and apartment houses. Get used to it, lads and lasses, because if you're not drug smuggling or involved in beer, or being a crooked politician, that's what you'll do all your life."

Just what the fuck Ian was doing in front of reporters? "Oh," he said, swigging his third bottle of ale in three minutes, "I was hoping to impress girls with my theory on the crime. I believe the target was Jamie Kavanagh, one of the headline boxers. Now, ya see, his father and uncle were both killed. They worked for Christy Kinhan, the well-known drunken Irish cocaine-smuggling bastard. And he has to be one hell of a drunken Irish cocaine-smuggling bastard to be well known for it! I mean, he's competing with half the fucking country!

"Now one was killed in 2014 and the other in 2015. Well, it's 2016 now, so time to kill another Kavanagh! That's my theory, and along with the underpants I've been wearing the past seven days in a row, I'm stickin' to it."

Enda Kenny denies Jamie was the target, pointing to the fact that he's still alive. "Even drunk, Irishmen have good aim," laughed Kenny. So who was the one who got killed the real target, and what of those who were wounded?? "All I can say is...It's a great day for the Irish," Kenny shouted, "Give or take one or two."

Jamie Kavanagh actually Tweeted:

"Anyone asking I'm OK! Thanks you for asking. I was lucky today is all I can say."

Meaning the gunmen posing as cops and the one dressed as a woman couldn't distinguish him from half the other idiots in the hotel?

Despite the incident, Box Nation was ready to broadcast the bouts. They created public service commercials with Steve Bunce saying: "Remember, as with betting and drinking, shoot responsibly. The life you save might be mine. Look at the giant potato on my neck! It's hard to miss me!"

Said boxing legend James Watt, "It's easy dodging punchies. I can avoid punchies. But bullets are of a higher caliber."

Box Nation and the promoters ended up postponing the match, out of respect to a barrel of beer that was lost when a bullet hit it, sending patrons scurrying to the floor to try and lap up what they could.

No Muzzies involved. Only one dead and a few wounded. A murderer in drag prancing away and on the loose. Yes indeed, IT'S A GREAT DAY FOR THE IRISH!