Guernsey’s Asks: Got GIT SHIT?

The only thing stupider than loving guitar heroes is loving the actual guitars.

But I'm sure the Bill Hoobastanks of the world will be converging on an auction house, cell phone cameras in hand, to gasp and take photos and TWEET 'em.

"Look what I saw! A guitar once owned by Eddie Van Halen! Woo hoo! Here's my photo of it!"

You might recall that Hoobastank went to an auction house just to glom movie posters and props, and to take over 60 pictures for his Farcebook page. He's a fat hapless fan boy for movies and TV. But there will be plenty of 50-something 60-something assholes just like him who think music memorabilia is sooooo kewl!

Sure, I can see somebody wanting a custom-made guitar, but they can get one custom-made for MUCH less. It was owned by Mottola? So?

The idiot who buys it is gonna babble to everybody about what kind of wood it's made out of?

Techies BORE me. I hate being around wide-eyed idiots who seem ready to wet their pants in describing car engines. I don't want anyone shoving their watch or their camera in my face and reciting the gibberish of spec sheets.

Yes, I can appreciate a quality item like a Nikon camera or a Technics turntable, and I have 'em, but I do NOT bore strangers at parties by talking about 'em.

In fact, I couldn't because I haven't memorized all that trivia. Same goes for my computer. I couldn't tell you anything about it except the brand. Maybe what OS system it is and that it's got 4GB memory. That's ALL. It's a nice-looking MACHINE, that's all. My Nikon served me through many years of paparazzi and magazine photography, but I barely know what model it is and I never tried to have an orgasm by taking it apart and putting it back together.

MAYBE a few guitars at this auction are worth owning because they have a really good feel or sound, but if you're buying because Van Halen owned it, sorry, holding it in your paws doesn't make you Van Halen.

Would I bother to go to an auction house to look at guitars? Hell no. Would I do it if the guitars had once been owned by people I admire instead of shits like Eddie Van Halen? Maybe, but I'd prepare myself for the ennui of staring at an instrument and trying to imagine famous fingers on it. No, it's just a guitar.

Some fuckhead dentist or accountant wants to play it and play pretend? Some bar owner wants to put it behind glass and get bozos to drink a few beers and stare at it? I've got the familiar two words:

FUCK and OFF