KATY PERRY: TITS WITHOUT TALENT

Do I go LOOKING for trouble? No. That's why this blog hasn't slammed some of the world's worst TV shows and entertainers.

If they can be avoided, I avoid them.

While I've heard of KATY PERRY, I was able to avoid her...until she appeared on "Saturday Night Live." That was torture.

When you go on a variety show, you're supposed to choose your best songs and put on your best show, and try to turn off as few people as possible.

You remember the days of "Ed Sullivan" and "Palladium" where a fairly wide variety of acts from Petula Clark to Tessie O'Shea, from The Beatles to Jose Greco, and from Ella to Opera were on the same bill? Some may not have been your cuppa, but you didn't roll your eyes and have to go to the bathroom because you were suffering through a no-talent who didn't deserve to be on stage.

As stupid as a pop act aimed at teens might be, it wasn't going to insult your intelligence. I compare Herman's Hermits and helmet-headed Peter Noone to the offensive Justin Bieber who just steals from hip-hop jerks and crotch-grabbing Michael Jackson.

I was prepared to endure, but not loathe, British pop goddess Katy Perry. I couldn't endure her for more than a minute on either song she did. She was annoying AND boring at the same time, and completely unoriginal.

When she performed her first number, I thought, hold on, didn't Miley Cyrus do the stupid "band members as stuffed animals" shit at the MTV awards?

Maybe this was the title track to a bad Pixar movie...

Thank Christ she disappeared after a while.

I did get the idea that Russell Brand may have been right, and in coming to his senses after marrying a blow-up doll, he couldn't help but let the air out of her with some insults. As modestly talented as Brand is, at least he has a functioning brain, and a definite personality.

Katy? She's tits without talent. The best I could say for her is she's a woman, whereas Miley Cyrus is an androgyne. Katy was striking moronic ADULT poses, even if they were all familiar (she even went back to John Travolta of "Saturday Night Fever" with the finger in the air).

OK, there's a tradition among female pop stars of having a "look" more than anything else, but as limited as Nancy Sinatra was as a vocalist, you could recognize her as a singer. She didn't do what Perry does, which is that faux-Whitney crap of aiming her siren-like voice into a microphone to show everyone how many decibels she can shatter. That's not singing. An ambulance does that as it drives down the street with a flashing red light. The song was called "Roar," appropriately enough. It could also have been called "BORE."

Her second number was much worse, a horrible thing called "Walking on Air," which had almost no lyrics, just the same words repeated over and over and over. That's another problem with today's pop tart...what's she got to say? NOTHING. So it's a trite metaphor, or something dirty.

She came out in a schoolgirl skirt and white knee sox...which only accentuated how much older she is than her rival Viley Virus. Katy looked like some 40-something soccer mom trying to wow the boys while dropping off her 14 year-old at the school dance. Only, Katy can't dance.

Poor Katy, Ms Tits without Talent. Today's pop tart can't just sing rotten songs in a loud voice...she has to do aerobics on stage. In this case, Katy is miles behind Miley of America or Mylene of France, or even some 200-pound arthritic hippo from Croatia or the Ukraine. Christ was she slow and clumsy!

"Walking on Air?" She acted like she was wading in syrup.

Her choreography was pathetic, and for ME to notice that, it had to be TOTALLY INEPT. Was it too difficult to memorize more than a rudimentary dance step? She couldn't do that and sing the same three words over and over?

As with "Dancing with the Talentless Stars," there were backup dancers who sort of were moving Katy around, like movers with an upright piano. She'd strike a pose and the dancers would carry her about...looking very, very unhappy.

Zzzzz. Striking poses, shouting instead of singing, walking instead of dancing, having to rely on costumes and her tits...Katy Perry's like some porn star who is trying to make a second career in music. The saddest thing was probably that neither song had any melody. You'd think the tweens would want some simple-minded melody, the kind that McCartney can still write...nothing good, but it's a melody. No, Katy gets away with shouting into a microphone and holding a note for ten seconds periodically. So she's successful in this talentless cesspool where tweens buy garbage and turn the worst pop tarts into platinum superstars. But shit, SHIT, she hasn't the wit or unique beauty or lithe moves of a Kate Bush, or the real humor of a Kirsty MacColl or the unique features of a Diana Rigg or even the voice of fat cow Adele. She's got a pair of tits. Katy Perry: tits without talent.