A Super Bowl of Mistakes, Ads, Crudity, Media Whores

Was it a football game? No, it was "SUPER BOWL 49," a mess of idiotic excess.

It wasn't much of a game until literally the last minute, when it became very exciting thanks to luck and stupidity.

But we'll get to the end...at the end.

What WAS this fucking broadcast for nearly 3 hours? A bore. A media whore slutfest. The game itself was routine, but every beer-swilling crotch-rubbing idiot was busy staring at silicone cheerleaders:

Not my idea of sexy. Neither was Katy Perry, who bored with some old twerky moves ala Viley Virus, shoving her ass up against Lenny Kravitz.

Talk about boring shit, NBC's cameras knew exactly what idiotic Doug Baldwin was about to do after he scored a touchdown, so their cameras zoomed away before he pretended to pull his pants down, squat, and shit. Some still photographers offered the image which every newspaper has printed.

Isn't this all-American game supposed to be tasteful, and sporting, and NOT be about some asshole pretending he just dumped a football? And what the hell IS that supposed to mean? In what other sport would a player act like the ball he plays with is a piece of shit?

Let's just remember that this is no longer a sporting event, it's big business. Take the owner of the Patriots. He's 73 years old and one rich bastard. No wonder he has a 34 year-old girlfriend! Yes, a girlfriend half his age, a slut who'd never be near this old prune if he wasn't rich.

Speaking of old men and younger women, Nancy Disheveled, who has all the sex appeal of a turnip, and is almost as repulsive as George Clooney's wife Anal, turned up glued to the side of Macca. Macca was seizing on the Super Bowl to help promote his latest horrible stab at relevance, as he glued HIMSELF to Kanye West and the Negress Du Jour for a lousy song they premiered at a "super bowl party."

Uh, wasn't there a GAME involved? Wasn't everyone there to watch the two best teams play...the same way we watch the two best players at Wimbledon or the French Open? Or the two best heavyweights fight for a championship belt?

Not really. The game gets 100 million viewers (and corporations paying 4 million dollars a minute) because of idiocy like Katy Perry and fireworks, and "ooh, let's watch the COMMERCIALS." How conditioned to mediocrity are people, when they're supposed to pay attention to sell-pitches? I watched the game BUT, I did it on a time delay. I recorded and fast-forward all the commercials. As you see from the NY Post headline, the main thing was not the game but THE COMMERCIALS.

It seems that this year, several of the commercials were sober and sad, about lost puppies and dead kids...as creepy corporations tried to embed their names as "caring" and "thoughtful" and not just moneygrubbing bloodsuckers. Fail. And fail.

In the end, most football games and basketball games and hockey games and soccer games are almost always ONLY worth watching in the last few minutes. Nothing all that exciting is likely to happen till then, and if something exciting does happen, it can be erased by heroics or mistakes in the last few minutes.

Sure enough, the game was mildly interesting when, down 24-14, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady marched his team to two unanswered touchdowns, and with 2 minutes left, took a 28-24 lead.

The Seahawks needed a touchdown. Now came luck and stupidity. The Seahawks quarterback threw a long one and unknown defense player Malcolm Butler seemed like a hero for batting the ball away. Only he didn't bat it high enough or far enough away. To the shock of everyone watching, the Seahawks player fell, but reached out and juggled the ball before it could hit the ground. He bobbled it a few times and hung on. COMPLETION.

The Seahawks were, with less than a minute to play, almost assured of a comeback victory. All they had to do was give it to their giant Marshawn Lynch, who could easily push forward a few yards each carry. His first carry pushed the ball to within a yard of the goal line.

Instead of giving it back to him, the team made the greatest mistake in Super Bowl history. The quarterback went for an easy toss into the endzone...which was picked off by the very same Malcolm Butler who had nearly batted away a completion a minute earlier.

This time, Butler didn't bat the ball away, he held on for an interception. Game OVER.

How nice for the completely unknown Malcolm Butler, that after just missing a defensive play and letting the opposition get into touchdown position, he redeemed himself with a miraculous interception on a play that should never have been run.

Yes, the last two minutes were very exciting, but not because of skill...because of luck and stupidity. There had been a lucky catch and then a stupid play.

This would be like losing the MMA championship because you didn't bother to attack the opponent, and instead stuck out your chin and dared to be hit. And actually got hit and knocked out. (Which is what happened to Anderson Silva...who, in a re-match, kicked his opponent and broke his own leg.)

USA Today's opening line was: "The ads were depressing and the halftime show was bizarre. But, oh, what a game." That was nearly right. It should've been, "but oh, the last two minutes of the game!"

If I can avoid it, I don't watch any live TV event, I record it and fast-forward the garbage. It's the only way to keep some sanity in this fucking sick and crazy world.