ADELE named SONG BLIGHTER OF THE YEAR

After being snubbed by the Hive Whore Novello Award (for the most novel way a whore can become diseased), ADELE bounced back, like a giant beach ball, to snag "SONG BLIGHTER OF THE YEAR."

Adele could not voice her thanks, as she was in the midst of new plastic surgery procedures. Her mouth was closed after another round of cosmetic drilling on the cleft she's been excavating in her chin. Now that she's worth $75 MILLION dollars, she can spare no expense in attempting to look like a human female.

Her doctor, who also worked on Michael Jackson, says, "Soon she'll have gone from a fat load with a double chin, to something gorgeous. A deep cleft chin is wonderful, because if you're eating celery, it's a good place to keep the salt."

Adele's pulpy, gooey face has undergone many transformations, and her hair has been carefully styled, and several construction workers have left the area around Brian May's house to remove cement from her belly. Or hardened fat. Or whatever it is.

Meanwhile her gynecologist has been stitching her vagina to create a much more demure, dainty and pleasing cleft between her legs. Asked for comment, he said, "To use the technical term for it, she had a giant twat. She only had an orgasm when she tossed a bag of peanuts toward her cervix, and let an elephant grope around in there with its trunk. This is what inspired "Rolling in the Deep," one of her big hits."

Just what is so great about sound-alike bawls about revenge and soap-opera histrionics, only the judges could say, but they can't be reached, as they are all locked in rubber rooms waiting for the drugs to wear off.

Adele's song "Hello" was full of profundity, like this couplet:

"They say that time's supposed to heal ya
But I ain't done much healing."

This has been favorably compared to "Unchained Melody" with its brilliant philosophy, "Time goes by so slowly and time can do so much." And Frank Sinatra's "doobie doobie do."

Adele can blight almost any song with that raging-hog bellow of hers. That's why she won the "Song Blighter" award.

There's even talk that she could win a SONGWRITER award. It's easy if you bribe people, and she has all the money to do that.

On her last album EVERY song is a co-write. How could she be singled out like Paul Simon or Bob Dylan when she doesn't really write songs?? Bribery would be the logical answer.

Bribery would come second nature to anyone in the music industry, where a demand for "a piece of the publishing" or a power play to get a co-write credit is so common.

Who would doubt that Fat Adele insisted on putting her name on a song just for adding one word or note? Adele Adkins sits around working with several different co-writers? This seems unlikely. More likely: Paul Epworth, Greg Kurstin, Samuel Dixon, Brian Burton and Bruno Mars came to her with finished songs. She picked the ones she liked and added her name, making it seem to all her idiot housewife fans that she not only sings her sludge, but stirs it up as well.

Texted for a comment, Adele fired back: "No comment! Don't agitate me, it'll cause an earthquake you could feel from England all the way to Germany! I've got my legs spread and my gynecologist has the knitting needles in place. Don't make him drop a stitch!"