Gersh Kuntzman's Greatest Column: FUCK Stupid NEW YORK LANDMARKS

Yesterday was grim. I got a letter saying my gastroenterologist was retiring. I read THAT, and I thought, gee, I could be in deep shit.

My spirits were uplifted by, of all things, the latest column from Gersh Kuntzman in the Daily News.

He concocted a list of NYC attractions he wouldn't miss. (You can play the overture to "The Mikado" if you wish)

My favorite is his attack on Times Square. It's lethal and funny (unlike that inept Muslim attack on Times Square on New Year's Eve a while ago).

Why is Gersh irked by Times Square as a tourist destination people think shouldn't be missed? He's pissed at the traffic AND the abusive copyright-violating jerks in superhero outfits there:

YES! Joe Franklin is looking down on you and smiling, Gersh. (Joe, who had an office on 43rd and 8th, and was not a fan of the tourist trap restaurants and overpriced stores).

While the sight of Sandy Kane (the senior citizen "naked cowgirl") is no great thrill either, or the idiot Desnudas, my own vivid disgust with Times Square centers on the absolutely outrageous jerks in costumes who should be licensed (by Marvel, Disney, The Muppets etc.) or just outright banned. But DeLousio IS a dumb capybara-faced moron.

Gersh, demonstrating a fine curmudgeonly and misanthropic style, and taking on targets a lot more deserving than silly old Pat Boone, pointed out several other overrated things about NYC:

All of these are right on target.

His other choices were accurate too, and he wrote 'em up without a single line that was libelous or obscene. (Obscenity of course is reserved for blogs like this. Gersh, to my knowledge, was never a columnist for SCREW. That kind of thing fuckin' stays with you.)

In my day, I've actually had some "dream jobs." Nothing lasts forever, and you wake up from dreams, but at least I had 'em. Sometimes I think how fortunate Gersh is, to knock off columns for the Daily News on just about anything. Another lucky fellow over there is David Hinckley, a very good writer/nice guy who handles pop culture and sometimes actually mentions things that would only be of interest to intelligent people over 40.

Being a realist, I know that if by some evil magic, I was able to grab Gersh's gig, or David's, I'd be fired in a month for going way too far. It's one thing to be colorful and misanthropic once in a while, but I'd be hammering just about every new TV show, music album and movie, and insulting all the so-called "stars."

Kuntzman invited his readers to contact him (already that's much more than I do!). He asked for other nominees for obnoxious and overrated NYC attractions.

Christ, I could send him a fucking 300 page anti-tour book.

What ISN'T obnoxious? How about just getting around on the subways, overloaded with unsightly cretins and noisy morons? At every stop, there's that dopey recorded voice saying "Watch the closing doors, please."

Can you ride any bus without the self-defense of stuffing ear-buds in and playing music to avoid the yap of cell phone jackasses, the grinding sound of yentas conversing, or the squeals of the three or four squirming minority brats? They'll all have different last names from their mama.

How about Yankee Stadium, for NOT being Yankee Stadium? As a last parting gift before he went to hell, Yankees owner George Steinbrenner had the old stadium razed, and built a new one...a block away. It means that players aren't standing where Ruth, Gherig and Mantle stood, and people aren't sitting in seats that observed history. Plus, as insane as ticket prices are, the fucking place is always packed, and who the hell wants to sit with bellowing bozos eating vomity food?

Also, fuck Citi Field, on name alone. What kind of sell-out team allows itself to promote a bank? Shea Stadium was stupid, but now, Citi Field? Call it Mets Stadium or send it to where hell freezes over: Albany.

Shut all Starbucks, just to piss off all the smug Yuppies who sit on their asses in there.

Shut Dunkin Donuts because they have no business being in New York at all. They're for hick towns.

What's so great about The Museum of Natural History? The sights, yes, but you're distracted by the sounds. Have guards in there tell all those screaming kids to SHUT THE FUCK UP. This is the noisiest museum in the city. PS, if the Metropolitan can do "pay what you want," so should EVERY museum. Let's encourage people to visit museums (as long as they SHUT THE FUCK UP).

The Ed Sullivan Theater. Because now it's home to the most pretentious talk show host of all time. Going from Letterman to THIS putz recalls the old Mort Sahl line, "Darwin was wrong." Jesus, I'd almost prefer to see old right-wing squinty lip-trembling Mort be the host for CBS at 11:35.

Rockefeller Center. Because it's home to gruesomely handsome Jimmy Fallon who has disgraced "The Tonight Show" with stupid games (from Password to cracking eggs on everyone's heads). Puppy Fallon's an egomaniac who insists on singing every chance he gets (and even trying to duet with everyone from Paul McCartney to Billy Joel). His big bit is thanking inanimate objects on Friday nights. He's also a Boston Red Sox fan. His show is NOT NEW YORK.

Wherever the fuck Comedy Central is located...send it out of town. Let me put it this way, Larry Wilmore is not MY NIGGA.

Halal Street Vendors. Who declared that gigantic, odorous metal tanks have to take up valuable parking space and often sit on the actual sidewalks? Allah? These Muslim bastards have staked out territory by literally pushing out other vendors who aren't MUSLIM.

The Central Park carriage rides are overrated. What do tourists see? Halfwit mongrels blasting boom boxes all summer long, doing corny break dancing and knocking into people with their roller skates!

Gracie Mansion: De Lousio actually LIVES there. That's a good reason to shut it down. It's a boring place to wander through (the parts of it that aren't off limits). Now? What, we might get a glimpse of his grotesque wife smoking a reefer?

Any store in Chinatown that is not Chinese. The actual Asians are being shoved out by gentrification. Who wants to go to Queens for authentic Chow Fon? PS, enough with the Asian massage parlors. Have some pity for tiny Korean girls who have to stretch their orifaces all day long, and give so many hand jobs they have to go to nail salons to get their fingers unglued.

Shut down any store that opened on Chambers street in the past 5 years...all of them forced out all those great crap shops selling liquidated stock. Drop-kick EVERY fuckhead vendor of 9/11 memorabilia along Chambers Street.

AND...well, like I said, the list of overrated things about NYC could fill a book.

And there could be another book full of all the things that I wish were BACK again.