"Here I am, practicing selfies, ready to leak some nude pix of myself to get famous. And where, WHERE is my diaper-wearing giggling-gurgling manager, Bill Hoobastank???"
She couldn't text him or phone him, but there he was, on SOCIAL MEDIA!
"Can you believe it? These dull old guys with their fucking pensions! They just love to travel! He's got nothing better to do?? It's like, 'Look at me, I'm like a fucking envoy. I'm traveling half-way around the world for a lark. I'm going off to take 300 pictures and post them on Photofucket. Even though I'm a gnat-brain and I'd get just about the same effect going to a 3D IMAX movie about Russia, I waddled onto a plane and spent the weekend taking pictures.'"
"This idiot and his pictures! He stands next to D-listers and has his picture taken. He goes off to take boring snapshots, which you can find online on hundreds of travel websites. You'd think he'd spend some money and lose his virginity, already. Or spend money on getting me publicity so I can be the next Taylor Swift! I could be like the daughter he never had. Or the naked blonde chick he never had."
Shauna got so livid, her complexion almost turned a whiter shade of pale. There was almost a touch of color to her face!
"He didn't do any selfies with that idiot grimace grin of his," Shauna says, "but he couldn't resist his favorite pastime of going to graveyards and snapping pictures of tombstones. What a morbid wad of coagulated fat he is."
"What's this guy contributing to the Russian economy for?" she asks. "He's a big fan of Putin? He's been all over the United States? He's seen everything there is to see in England and France? The price of adult diapers is in his favor in the Ukraine? What about Barry Grooker and Geoff Whitehore playing Lelystad, Holland on May 27th? Isn't he going??"
Shauna almost burst into tears. Unable to manage it, she turned on the shower, and recorded it with a vocodor. Then she splashed some water in her face and ran the recording. As usual, the effect was ridiculous and unwatchable.
"Other people are doing well on Gootube, and lots of girls are at least making big money selling their smelly knickers on eBay. What do I have? A few little sales on fiverrrr that hardly keep me in fresh razor blades!"
Shauna kept ranting. Attempts to reach Bill Hoobastank for comment were futile. It seems he's under investigation by the State Department. He had packed his dirty adult diapers into his luggage, and the luggage somehow got diverted onto an EgyptAir flight, which subsequently crashed due to the stink. Now he and the government are trying to find some way of making sure ISIS takes the blame and that the crash is ruled a terrorist incident.
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