"Gurgle...gurgle...erp. Oh, yes," says Bill Hoobastank, clearing his throat, "How could I forget? I was hoping for a career in rock music. I was up on stage and somebody shouted "LARD ASS!" I admit, I was overweight, even for a baby hippo. I just didn't think anyone would notice. After all, I was standing next to Geoff Whitewhore.
"As I sneered my comeback, 'I don't believe you, you're a liar,' my nose began to grow. My hair began to fall out. My teeth retreated into my gums. A strange hot stinky surge flooded the back of my underpants. I began to morph into a fat old useless moron.
"From then on, I was an observer, not a participant. I could only worship anyone who was on stage. I paid for autographs. I paid to get my picture with ANYONE in show biz. And now, in one last desperate effort before I'm overtaken by the Grim Raper, I'm managing a young singer.
"She hasn't taken the stage yet. I'll tell you why. I am worried for her fate. Look what happened when someone shouted "LARD ASS" at me! I morphed into the worst lard ass imaginable! I'd hate to think of what happens when my pipsqueak-voiced off-key little Shauna strums her guitar, does a Taylor Swift cover, and has a similar experience!"
Yes, imagine someone calling out: "DUMB TWAT!"
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