Bill Bored

Here's a way to feel old. Check out the "Winners" of the Bill Bored awards.

Yeah, ONE DIRECTION tops The Rolling Stones.

There were only TWO rock groups nominated that had members over 40: the obnoxious U2 and the wrinkly rockers The Rolling Stones.

Other than those two, check the list below and write down the albums you own. Write down ANY song you recognize. Write down ANY artist you like.

What did you write? NOTHING, right?

Say something nice about the Billboard Awards? OK, it seems like it's the LAST fucking useless "awards" show of the season. Now's the time for all the smellies to go off on their tours, making millions by stomping around an outdoor stage doing aerobics while nitwits scream and the sun bakes their brains.

Say something nicer? The Billboard Awards seemed to push poor Eager Bieber to the limit, declaring that he feels alienated by these shows and doesn't want to do them. Poor Baby Singer.

Say something nicest? Old Madge got a ton of boos and hisses for her "Tribute to Prince."

All of the above doesn't really compensate for this fact:

There was NO reason for me to watch the Bill Bored show. I could barely name a tune recorded by ANYONE. And I don't like ANYONE on that list except Taylor Swift, and I only like her because she has some morality and doesn't coddle pirates. I'm not agog over the way she looks and her music means nothing to me.

Fetty Wap? Are you kidding me? Is that like, the new cool version of Fiddy Cent? And BIEBER still winning awards? And The Weeknd? What the fuck is a "Weeknd?" The guy is TOO cool to spellll? Sho. I git it.

It's saying to anyone over 40, in other words, half the planet, FUCK OFF. Go be like the rock critic from the NY Times, John Rockwell, and start listening to classical music. You are TOO OLD TO ROCK AND ROLL. Or rather, there IS no ROCK AND ROLL, there's rap and there's beats and there's whatever the fuck Ariana Grande and Bieber and One Direction do.

I had to squint down that list to find anyone I didn't loathe. OK, I don't exactly loathe David Bowie, but I don't listen to any of his stuff either. Back in the day, one or two songs were ok. Coldplay? Feeble shit; outtakes from Genesis or something. That both of 'em lost to a group I never even heard of is pretty ridiculous.

IF I'M BEING HONEST, there was a time when every Top 10 song had a tune. It was catchy. You may not have WANTED to catch it ("I'm Too Sexy for My Shirt") but you recognized it as a song. Maybe it was the current equivalent to "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka-Dot Bikini" but at least it was a song.

Now? It's inane rap monkey garbage. It's these insipid half-breeds like Ariana Grande doing their variations on the Shitney yodel. It's about "beats." That's why Madge and McCartney went out and found all the latest PRODUCERS to try and cover up their inability to write a decent melody anymore.

"I think the worst is over now," in terms of AWARDS SHOWS. And yes, "the morning sun is shining like a red rubber ball." Meaning, it's hot and humid and if you go outside you might think there's been a nuclear reactor meltdown.