LARD OF THE GAY BARS!

"Hey Low!

"Mr. Disgusted has been kind enough to give me some spaz, so I can make myself perfectly queer. I am multi-fauceted! Oh yes, first and four most, I buy records!

"Yes, I love to go collect useless, unlistenable crappy 45's. It IS my fetish. I do put on vinyl knickers and rub myself while I stare at the latest thins I bout at a boot sale or charity shop.

"Butt, I don't want to gif the impression I am one dementual.

"When the whether gets worm, I sometimes hire a boat and try to gather up in a net all the fish I can! Here is a photo of some of the fish!

"Don't they look almost as good as a box of old junk records? My big thin is to accumulate stuff. Take take take! Buying out a hole box of records gives me a thrill. Same thing when I put down the net and then haul a whole bunch of fish. Just having them makes me feel good. They are mine! I have taken them out of the oshin!

"I put them in the boot of my car. Maybe a day or two later they start to stink. Then I just put them in a dumpster off Kingston Road, in Leatherhead. Just call me a leatherhead! LOL!

"The reason I catch fish is it is a boring hobby and I like mundane things. I usually go out on a mundane, but some times a tuesdane. The other thin, is that fish remind me of how a twat smells! My sisters smelled of fish. This scared me so much! I would run back to my room and put on headphones and inhale a box of dusty records, and play a bunch of them. Whew! Matt Monro and Rolf Harris, here I cum!

"The fish remind me of the time I was briefly married, and had an adopted son. This was terrible. I was living a lye. The woman was Amy Wagstaff Wetone. We were more than a pair. We looked like five or six people glued together.

You can see by the expression on my pudgy face, I am not happy to be with a woman! I had to have headphones on and play Matt Monro! Amy thought I was lissning to a CD of her "Pryed and Prejudis" narration. No, it was Matt Monro, my big crush.

"Amy was nearly a big crush, but we did not consomme our relations ship. My penis, like a scared turtle, retreated so much you could not tell from us if we were two women or knot. That is why we adopted a son. Amy found out her favorite thing is to sketch defective cells and diseased tissue she saw under a microscope. And I went to my boot sales. Somehow, this was not the bases for a good mirage, and we got divorced and she got a divshare of everything but my records, thank Cod!

"So now I go to charity shops and boot sales and spend my life hauling records home and digitising them so nobody has to buy anything. I am obsessed with this. I have to digitise garbage that is thisclose from being junked in a trash compacter, and put them on my blog and say "I do not know anything about this" and "This did not chart" and "I do not remember if I got this at a charity shop or a boot sale but it is mine now."

Anyhoo, let me veal a secretion for you. Yes, I like to collect fish and I like to collect 45's. But now and then do take my dog for walkies. We go to a secluded place where I can mince and wobble along, looking like Adele or some other self-absorbed fat lady, and proudly watch my dog lay her muffins. I do not clean up because I do not like to. If I have to do anything I do not like I pout. I do what I please. It is not sell fish because I do not sell fish, I throw them away after I catch them. I just like to catch them so they are mine.

"I have a list of some places where I like to go. One place I never go with Muffin.

"Nudge nude wink wank, say no Moore! Did you notice the place in the lower rite hand corner?

"The place called Pleasure Dumb? Muscular naykid men are there. It is a London gay bar. I am just a fat old petulant pisspot, but I do like to at least add mire these guyys. So I sneak over to London to go there and stare. Then I come home, get a stack of Matt Monro records, and fuck the middle hole. Yes the red shaft of Robin goes bob-bob-bobbin for almost a minute! Then I feel funny and some stuff spurts on the floor.

"I do not know what it is, as Muffin instantly licks it up. I might post a picture of me doing this some time and a close-up of this bird's pudding stuff. I will ask everyone to offer theories on what it might be. It must be icing as Muffin loves it so, and barks for more. But I can not do that more than once a weak.

"What a life. Don't feel Surrey for me. I am quite preoccupied with my hobblies and I hardly even think of when my sisters brought me in for the lobotomy."