Gersh Kuntzman of the Daily Snooze: the Jewish version of Piers Morgan of the Daily Fail

OH, here he comes again, like Barnaby Rudge. Only two fifths of him aren't genius, and three fifths sheer fudge.

Pardon me while I borrow an insult hurled at Poe many years ago.

Frankly, it's the best I can do, because Memorial Day approaches, and the air is as loaded with hot air as Gersh Kuntzman.

I was already in a bad mood over the weather, and here comes an idiotic column over whether Bob Dylan should retire!

Yeah, Gersh Kuntzman has done a "Dylan should retire" column! Haven't we had these since "Nashville Skyline" and "Self Portrait?" Isn't it a bit...HACKY?

Isn't it a bit like PIERS MORGAN with his opinionated rants every week?

The reason for Gersh's gush is a second "Sinatra Tribute" album from Bob. I know, it's worse than watching an Irish bint on Gootube do her 50th Taylor Swift cover. Real demon fans of Bob, and I know a few who even know the man personally, were dreading a SECOND damn "Sinatra Tribute" album.

They'd rather have another sound-alike blooooze album of Looooziana growling and a gumbo of "tasty" backing players rolling the thunder with drums, sax, bass and guitars.

They aren't asking for Bob to retire, just get off the Sinatra kick (and I don't blame 'em).

There's one nice thing you can say for Bob's sudden devotion to "Mr. Frank" (as he called him on a Sinatra tribute TV show long ago). It proves his voice isn't shot after all. Bob worked very hard (and probably had to endure plenty of retakes and editing) to create a smooth-sounding yet Dylanesque version of the old standards. No, I listened to the last one maybe twice, and I haven't even played THIS one yet. But retire?

YOU retire, Kuntz.

I'll explain more about that after the break.

There's something sadistic about little smirky Kuntz. He used Glenn Frey's death to snigger (that's a word) about how awful and easy-listening The Eagles were. (As opposed to the hard rocking jazz twits from upstate, Steely Dan! Gersh LOVES 'em!) He rightly figured he'd get so much hate-mail he could prove to the other Snooze editors, "I matter. I shouldn't be forced into retirement. People are reading my stuff!"

To celebrate Bob's 75th birthday, he slams the guy.

Kind of mean, isn't it? Might as well send Bob a birthday cake with Ex-Lax icing.

But a nice Hinckley-type tribute isn't going to get the attention an aging writer needs.

Nevermind that the target is an aging rock star, which is a bit gerontophobic (that may be a word).

Dylan, like Woody Allen (who is 80), has appalled his fans more than once, but has also shown flashes of genius. Bob was written off long before he won that Oscar for the brilliant "Things Have Changed." Bob was told to retire after "Nashville Skyline" and "Self Portrait" and most certainly after the Jesus albums he did (which Gersh appreciates). I was very surprised when Bob's mediocre "Modern Times" hit #1 in the UK (something that never happened with a Dylan album in England before). Should he have retired before that? Kuntz says yes, because "Time Out of Mind" in 1997 was the last time Bob was any good. Feh!

"If I'm Being Honest" (a Piers phrase), Bob's somewhat tepid last few albums are no worse than the last few albums by others of his vintage.

I suppose Gersh will soon be saying Elton John should retire (all those dirge albums lately, Disney shit, and singing in a post-menopause voice an octave below Bea Arthur). How about McCartney, with so many mediocre albums in the past ten years? Didn't Paulie try our patience with the stinkily titled "Kisses on the Bottom?" It proved that Macca has even less business covering the standards than Dylan.

But go ahead, Gersh, pick on a Lantzman instead. Double Feh!

Gersh grumbles over Bob's "never-ending tours." Pity the man who doesn't like staying home! Bob's "restless farewell" which is not yet a farewell only indicates that he'd rather be a true roving troubadour. Why not let him, when he draws big crowds wherever he goes?

How about the 100's of people out of work who tour with Bob, and the venues dark on the night he would've played?

Yes, Gersh, I saw one of his shows, too. Bob plonked a keyboard because his hands can't handle a guitar much. He stood there like a beige B.B. King, saying a quick "Thankyow" between numbers. Like Madonna, who is also 75, Bob has a habit of reinventing himself, and lately he's taken on the persona of one of those blues artists masking a raspy voice with hipness. Louis Armstrong did that. Nobody told HIM to retire.

At the show I saw, people loved Dylan. The place was packed. There were no seats. We were all standing around like pencils in a giant cup. One fuckhead asshole next to me was hopping up and down like he needed to go the bathroom. Another had his fucking cell phone lit up and was texting. THEY should've retired, not Bob.

Meanwhile, back at the article, the not-so-witty Mr. Kuntzman mutters something about "how many roads" must a man walk down before you call him a sham.

Yawwwwwwn. That line was blowin' wind, Gersh. Bob's been called a sham for 50 years. As in, what's a "nice Jewish boy" (always the anti-Semitism) doing pretending to sound like Woody Guthrie? He's also been called a plagiarist for 50 years. And worse. "They can talk about me plenty when I'm gone," he once sang. Too bad some want him gone before he's ready to go. He doesn't want to go now.

But how about Gersh Kuntzman?

Gersh, why not go before the Daily Snooze punts you into the waters off Coney Island? Are you tenured?? I'd guess not, because you seem to be desperately imitating your peer, Piers Morgan, who holds on tooth and nail to an embarrassing job at the London Daily Fail.

Once a week (at least), Morgan tries to amass enough nasty comments and outrage to justify his paper keeping him on. Love him or hate him, people are reading him. So he gets a paycheck.

Lately, Gersh has been doing the same thing. Good (a goading piece on overrated tourist attractions) or bad (kicking colitis-arthritis victim Glenn Frey when he's dead) or hacky (Dylan should retire) the obvious motivation is to get attention. This isn't easy when there are some even more assholier-than-thou writers working for the New York tabloids.

These includes Gersh's race-card-playing colleague Shaun King, who makes sullen prickish Spike Lee seem cheerful. It includes the second rate Italian yenta Linda Stasi (no Joy Behar, she). Both are at the Snooze. Also whinnying opinionated rants is Andrea Peyser who is at the Post, which is where you usually find old nags who have horse faces.

Sadly, most of these people are not even entertaining writers. Phil Mushnick, finger-pointing old sports writer at the Post, who probably wishes he was a Yankees announcer, is usually amusing in his curmudgeonly moralizing. Kyle Smith is another of that rare breed at the NY Post; someone literate. Then there are actual reporters who actually do more than spout opinion. Face it, opinionated columnists are in a precarious position. They aren't really needed. That's why they get more and more shrill.

The comparison between Piers and Gersh has an insidious note to it. Beyond both of them being Controversy Queens, and having strange first names, they work for the Fail and the Snooze, who seem to be looking more and more alike. Their websites are always going to have some excuse to run a "busty" or "ample bottomed" photo of a Kardashian on the front page. The typefaces tend to be similar. The tone is similar. It's creepy.

Bottom line, most newspapers are dying. You don't even need Keith Kelly (who does a weekly depressing column about this for the Post) to tell you that. With parasites like BuzzFeed, Decider, Huffington and the rest stealing and re-writing the news, and the news mostly being the fucking Presidential race, ISIS, and Kardashians, why bother?

That's why Gersh and Piers have to be provocateurs to still have jobs. But really, Gersh, why not retire? You'd be saving the Snooze some money. You're not as young as you once were (that photo...) and we need MORE minority reporters like Shaun King. Demographics, you know. Jews are aging and dying off (sometimes you can't even find one to play Tevye in a revival of "Fiddler on the Roof.") Jews are no longer considered a minority. In fact, in Crown Heights, where many a Shaun King look-alike strolls the streets, they are merely considered prey).

You can always come here to Blogspot, Gersh. You can be controversial, curmudgeonly, comical, or eccentric on any subject you please, and you can even throw in a rude photo once in a while, and tons of in-jokes.

And if you're not being paid, people aren't likely to tell you to stop doing what you're doing. Nobody tells ME to retire. That's because I don't accept comments! It's another Blogspot perk! That's why I don't write for the Snooze or the Fail! (Well, one reason, anyway...)