KICK in the GROIN STARTER - WIN WIN AND WHAT?

I've mentioned Schtickstarter before...

But when a blogger friend (not blogger fiend...that would be Zinfuck) mentioned it today...

...that got me to go back and take a quick look at how things are going. Very well, for some!

While most who use the site need a kick in the groin, because they are total jackasses and clueless self-centered shitpiles, many DO get what they want. And more.

First lesson: own a vagina. Girls just wanna have fun, and Schtickstarter is usually the place for them. The trick is to come up with an item that other vagina-owners will find ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS. Like...PERIOD PANTIES. The woman here only wanted to raise a modest amount of money to cash in on "the curse," but look at how WELL SHE DID.

It tells you that when you strike the right vein (ah, well, that's anatomically not correct) you can have a bloody good score:

Women are narcissists. Why else do they spend a fortune on hair and make-up and clothes? LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

As if having tits and a cunt isn't enough?

So a bunch of them threw a whole lot of money at this project, just so they could mince around at the gym in panties that tell the world they're on the rag? LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!

Christ, have you ever been in the lingerie department of a store? There's enough "novelty" panties with dopey sayings to FILL THE LINGERIE DEPARTMENT OF A STORE.

This woman raised nearly HALF a million dollars?!?!? Really?

Or is Schtickstarter full of hackers and con-artists? On eBay it's very easy to put in a bunch of fake bids and make something sell for an astronomical amount, and then NOT pay. Could it be that a few idiots faked donating a huge amount?? Probably not.

The wily woman behind this idiotic product probably TWEETED like crazy, used FARCEBOOK, and put in months of work to call attention to her project (I hope). But who knows, maybe there really are a lot of affluent idiots who just think, "Hmm, lemme go over to Schtickstarter and see what's in the "new products" session. Or let me type in a few key words that will help me lose some of my excess money...

So the first lesson is own a vagina or appeal to vagina owners.

Second lesson? Don't be a greedy pig. Ask for an amount within reason.

Third lesson...offer a real neat perk for the donation.

Fourth lesson...choose a subject assholes with money care about.

All these points were covered by some creepy slob in Florida whose ethnic background I need not make fun of.

All he wanted, to make his moronic documentary, was $3,000. Considering you don't need film anymore, and most any camcorder gives professional results, and who the FUCK is going to buy it or broadcast it anyway...$3,000 sounds about right.

Perk? Gee, you get a T-SHIRT. Who wouldn't want a T-SHIRT. Or a digital print? WOW.

And lastly, the subject: tattoos...guaranteed to appeal to assholes, especially ones who are so lame that they really think being inked will make them famous. Senor Fuckup here, is pretending inked idiots are walking works of art...so I'm sure he told many of them, "lemme photograph you, and if you donate to Schtickstarter...YOU will be FAMOUS. Instead of turning heads of people who laugh at you on the street...you can say you are in a DOCUMENTARY! How is THAT for your EGO??"

Take a look at that ugly bug who posed. Anyone would look twice at that foul nerd if he didn't put all kinds of appalling designs all over his otherwise repulsive body? That's what tattoo culture is all about...creepy people you wouldn't look twice at...being even more creepy so you'll look twice.

The fun part of browsing Schtickstarter is seeing all the people who failed...and all the ones who are being ignored.

It's pretty damn embarrassing when somebody uses their "fame" and discovers they have none. It's cringeworthy fun when some talentless asshole who happens to know a celebrity...uses that celebrity for a "project" and falls flat on his fucking face. I love that. "Hey, I know THIS great COMEDIAN...gimme $10,000 to film his show." Nope. "Hey, I know this famous ACTRESS, and I'm going to name-drop her and abuse her good nature...she's going to narrate my documentary on drain pipes. All I want is $50,000..." Sorry.

Jill Sobule used the site to raise money for her last album. Perhaps on the promise it would BE her last album. Sorry, but the woman is getting more irritating all the time, and the ratio of cute and goofy songs to stupid or tedious ones is going way too much in favor of the stupid and tedious ones. What she did, was offer a nice perk of mentioning all the high-roller donors in a song. And she did. A fairly mediocre song you wouldn't want to hear twice, but tacked on at the end of her album, was a song that managed to knock off a whole buncha names. Lamebrains paid a lot of money just to be able to say "Heh heh, listen to this...wait to hear MY NAME in this song..." Yeah, their name wedged in with two dozen others!

What MOST singer/songwriter assholes do, is only offer to give you a free mp3 download for your $15 "donation" or a t-shirt for tossing away $100. I did see a total unknown offer, for $500, "to write a song about YOU" and stick it on his album. But who knows what kind of embarrassing song he might end up writing? You'd be glad that most copies of the album were still in a big FedEx box stowed in his basement.

Here's an example of a current clueless auction. It's DRUNK GIRL. Yeah, she thinks she's such a fucking novelty? "Gimme $50,000 and I'll write all about being a drunk girl."

The $50,000 includes hiring an editor to "whip" the book into shape. Need I tell you that self-publishing a book via most outlets, costs $1,000 tops?

That's right. Companies are eager to play the vanity press game. $1,000 and they'll turn your book into a PDF file and toss it to Amazon and other outfits. Usually they allow for a simultaneous "print on demand" option as well.

What the fuck is this bitch going to do with the other $49,000???

The perks are pretty lousy. Most people would be thinking, "Oh, drunk girl, or recovered drunk girl...if I "support" her and give her money, she might get drunk and have sex with me!"

Yeah? That's the rationale for following any number of prima donna cunts on Farcebook. And all they want is to brag they have thousands of panting "followers."

At best, for $1,000 you can have dinner with her, if you're in Texas.

It does make me wonder what restrictions Schtickstarter might have on how people write ads. What if she said "For $1,000 we can get drunk together and afterwards go back to my place?" But to only have dinner? And get a free copy of her stupid book? Listen, if at 21 she really had a book in her, she probably had a few dozen dicks in her, and a crowbar, and a banana and a Yorkie bar, and she'd easily be paid to tell her tale.

Pay her to babble tediously to get to 50,000 words? Ugh. No book for you! You want to natter about your stupid life getting drunk? The answer, bitch, is GET A BLOG...