LEN GOODMAN RETIRES: "STRICTLY SPEAKING, I CAN'T COME ANYMORE"

"Oooh, bend over and kiss his ass goodbye!"

Dancers all over the U.K. are thinking of ways to pay tribute to Len Goodman, the cheeky, beaky judge from "STRICTLY COME, DANCING."

If you've never seen the show, it features male nude dancers who masturbate while dancing. It's not as easy as it looks. You have to stroke to the music. If you come too soon, you lose points and you might slip and hurt yourself. The final, of course, is STRICTLY COME, DANCING, and Len Goodman stands behind the dancers with a cane and a whip, wearing a Frankie Howerd wig and Emma Peel's outfit from the "Hellfire" episode. OUCH!

"Pickle my walnuts!" cried Len, when we asked for an interview.

Len's first experience with ballroom dancing was when he put on a pair of briefs a size too small. "I was dancing all over the fitting room, crying BALL ROOM! BALL ROOM," laughs Len. We judged him a 5 of 10 for that stupid joke.

Still, he had a twinkle in his eye. Some dancer had come a load in it before we got there.

Asked what it was like to get a load in the eye, he cheerfully shouted, "Spank me gently with a wet chamois!"

He stood up for a moment, and his seat was puddled with semen. He pointed to it, and to his posterior, and shouted, "Yum yum pig's bum!"

He then pointed to a young naked man hiding in the closet and cried, "Winner, winner, CHICKEN DINNER!"

Yes, these are some of the reasons everyone will miss Len Goodman.

"STRICTLY COME, DANCING" is yet another campy TV show that inspires Muslims to come over and beat the shit out of white people. Judging from the show, and its judges, the country is loaded with ridiculous poofs and giddy idiots.

Fans of the show will miss his sassy "Respect your elders" shouted when somebody disrespected his opinion on a dance, or refused to help him wipe his nose. Face it, this guy's conk takes a long, long time to wipe.

The eccentric judge always stuck to his opinion, if not his cum-stained chair, and his excuse was: "I'm a cup of piss in a shitty world."

Another famous phrase was, "The three things I dislike are crying babies, hip hop, and heterosexuality."

Len was married, twice, but like Sir Laurence Olivier, he simply stopped trying to like twat. Now, at 72, he doesn't like much of anything.

"You just can't keep being a trivial simpering opinionated idiot in a judge's chair," Goodman says. "Some day David Walliams will understand that, too."

There are idiotic dance shows all over the world now. "Dancing with the Stars" is a huge hit in America, with an equivalent old pest like Len, who has made himself more important than the dancers via his outrageous posturing.

The success of moronic shows about judging dancing, or talent contests involving drag queens from Hull, novelty drummers from Barton, or pickpockets from Grimsby, is that people need a break from reality.

"What's important in this world," asks Len, "checking the influx of psychotic religious fanatics, or how well somebody does a two-step? The fact is, I can rant and rave and ruin the life of somebody who doesn't do the two step to my liking. But I won't go near a Muzzie with a bargepole. Say the wrong thing and he'll take a knife to your nuts! Then you'll end up speaking like Graham Norton!"