Dickstarter? "It's GOOD to have FRIENDS, isn't it??"

Spike Milligan catch-phrase: "It's good to have friends, isn't it?" 

He usually said it with some irony, like if a joke bombed and there was dead silence. Or if five Muzzies worked together to blow up a building.

If Spike was around now, he'd note how some people make off like bandits on DICKSTARTER.

A singer-songwriter I follow on Twatter happened to mention that somebody she likes was starting a DICKSTARTER campaign, so hey, go help her. 

Damned if I didn't go over to at least see if this twat was any good. Who knows, if she was, maybe I'd fork over a donation if I'd get a signed CD for my money. 

When I got to DICKSTARTER, there was no link to the friend. It does help to know how to tpe in a LINK that WORKS. Oh well. 

Being a sharp website, DICKSTARTER instantly used their bots and their sniffs and cookies to note that I had a FARCEBOOK account, and to instantly point out that several of my "friends" were enthusiastic DICKSTARTER donators. "Take a look at what your "friends" have donated to!" Oh? 

One of my "friends," a singer-songwriter, naturally donated to several women she figured were worthy of support. Probably "friends" of hers. But...Christ, $8,000 to $15,000? These cunts, none of whom I've heard of, none of whom are probably that talented or original, ALL got to waste a fortune on their vanity projects. Whew. 

It doesn't take $8,000 to $15,000 to make a fucking album these days. What indulgence. But, happy days, ALL three that received donations reached their goals. ALL three are probably trying to palm off their fucking CDs when they play pathetic local coffee houses. ALL three ended up with a lah-dee-dah gift to themselves not really because of talent but because, Spike...

"It's good to have friends, isn't it?" 

Yeah, Farcebook and Twatter can actually work, especially if you've got friends, and friends of friends to keep the ball rolling, make the recommendation, and get visibility for your VANITY project. 

Meanwhile, some truly talented curmudgeons who don't play the game, and geniuses who lack social skills (imagine what trouble Beethoven would be in if he was around today) get NOTHING. They either have to self-finance or forget about it. They have to keep knocking on the "pay to play" door and NOT get in, or send out those self-financed CDs to smug and apathetic assholes who won't even listen to them because they only have time for what well-connected agents or FRIENDS bring them.

Lah-Dee-FRICKIN'-Dah, twats. Wanna take bets on how trite, sound-alike and useless these cunts are? I think if you bothered to go to GOOTUBE, you'd find that none of them are too interesting. But whew, they ALL got what they wanted. 

(You'll be irritated with the first 20 minutes of Wolf's "The Thread of the Thing," and then bored by what a sleepy, predictable piece of soft-trance shit it is... Conlon's "Cedar Box," the BIG cut on her album, sports a preening vocal (sassy, you'd call it) and corny banjo shit and a monotonous melody. As for Kat Parsons, "Love Changes Everything" will have you grinding your teeth within two seconds due to the cakewalk percussion. When she starts skipping around California, dancing with her fresh-scrubbed white Starbucks-sucking friends, you'll want to punch her in the fucking face. Go ahead. I write the truth. 

Yes, one modest bitch asked for $8,000 with a "stretch goal" of $10,000 or more. No, people tend to just donate to what the artist's low figure is. After all, the premiums ("You get a copy of my album...you get an autographed copy...") aren't much. But the other two? Both wanted at least $15,000 and got it, with nearly 200 or 300 people forking over the bucks. How the FUCK does that happen? That's a lot of networking. 

There seems to be a "science" to this, too. The woman who only asked for $8,000...would she have gotten $10,000 or even $15,000 if she'd asked for it? The ones who asked for $15,000...would they have FAILED if they'd wanted $20,000? Interesting how they chose the amount they wanted AND the premiums they'd give for a donation. One bitch offered a signed CD but another only offered a digital download or poster. Hmm....

Meanwhile, in the literary world, if you can boast that you'll talk to the STAR, and if you offer all kinds of inane promotional gimmicks ("for $75 you get a COASTER, for $100 a bookmark...") you can raise MORE than you'd get with a good agent. I mean, $25,000 to write a fucking book on the fucking PARTRIDGE FAMILY???????

Lemme tell ya, in THIS climate, an author of a shitty idea like that would be lucky to get $5,000 out of a well-known publisher, or $500 out of an indie outfit. How "LOVELY....LOVELY..." that this guy went the DICKSTARTER route, shamelessly hawking and pushing to get what he wanted. That takes nerve.

Tempting, isn't it? The Internet and the 21st Century has turned most of us into beggars. This is the "new paradigm." Network and network, and grin and shuck and jive, and get FRIENDS to help you. Also, never underestimate the stupidity of the public, because they'll reward you. $25,000 to write the definitive book on some TV show that actually matters? Nah. $25,000 to read a load of sappy crap about The Partridge Family? Oh, what a feeling. Feels GOOD to donate to the needy author. Feels GOOD to be rewarded by safe pap. 

Hmmmm, now let's think of a DICKSTARTER project, shall we....