Eatin' Like a Pig

Before he came to New York, our beefy-faced Nazi pal Mr. Horst got a WONDERFUL mail order item.

It was from the PIG OF THE MONTH club.

He unboxed it for ALL to see.

Translating from his husky, breathy German gasping:

"How lucky I am, dat MEIN PIGGY arrived a few days before mein trip to New York! I vas able to EAT DA WHOLE THING before I left!

"With my squinty bad eye, I vas not sure I could find der German part of Manhattan. If dere still IS one. You know, dey have had TWO Jewish mayors in recent history, Bloomberg and Koch, so I am sure dey tried to zone away der German district! Maybe der new Mayor, Bill De Blasio, actually born WARREN WILHELM, can do something about dis!

"I heard dat der Yorkville, where the Marx Brothers grew up, is "gentrified." Does dat mean Bobbie Gentry lives dere? I doubt it, because if she did Bill Hoobastank would've found her to get a photo op. Anyhoo, I have heard dat Chinatown is reduced to only a few blocks and most Asians moved to Queens, dat Little Italy is shrunk to only a few blocks, and there is no German district. Yorkville is mostly for der Yuppies. Dere are only a few of de old German stores left, like Schaller & Weber, the butcher shop. Dere isn't even Luchow's, a famous German tourist trap restaurant! So how could I be sure to get a pig like DIS ONE?

"Anyhoo, der pig vas nice und pink und bloody und I ate it raw. Der mail order place included what were either sausages made from der pig's feet, or maybe just turds der frightened pig splooted out before it vas slaughtered. Dey were good too!

"Der only disappointment? I gouged out der pig's eye, and tried to get a doctor to replace mein squinty one with it. He said it was not possible. I said "Yah, yeah, it IS possible!" And he shook his head and laughed and said "In a pig's eye!"

"Well, yes, I said, and here's der pig's eye! Insert it!"

"Yah. He shoved it up my ass. And let me tell you, it did not work in there. I told der doctor, "I don't see myself getting much use out of dis eye." He said, "No shit!" And I said, "Oops, yes, shit," as it plopped onto der floor of his office. I said to him, "Auf Weidersehn." And he said, "Oaf, you are INSEHN!"