The Grimsby Telegraph Creative Writing Contest Nominees

Cilla Blackledge, still boycotting the paper where she used to contribute, will NOT let them run her photos.

These includes the finalists in their "Creative Writing Contest."

According to Cilla, "It's just as well I publish them here. Their website is loaded with spam contents, they are Fascists about what they allow or don't allow, and besides, nobody on the staff is literate enough to judge creative writing."

One judge who volunteered, Roland Clack, a schoolmarm in Bristol, got on everyone's nerves by coming up with all kinds of idiotic rules. He also pointed out that "Some of the girls did NOT actually WRITE on their bodies themselves. They had help! Shouldn't we have a separate category for those that had men write on them, and maybe another for how the penmanship is? And an automatic winner if the penmanship matches up to Keith Reid manuscripts? Or my doctor's prescription for my Xanax and Midol?"

The ferret-faced pest was thrown into the street.

Our first contestant?

Dee Javoo.

She was asked the name of the guy she met on the Internet. She didn't remember. "He had some silly name, like Zab or Hans. He took me home and tried to impress me by downloading the entire Beach Boys discography free. I said, "Who the fuck are the Beach Boys?" He began to cry. I tried to cheer him up by stripping my top off. He cried even more. I guess he's a latent homo or something. The more he cried, the more I laughed."

Our second contestant?

Joni Chapple

Joni, convinced she has a career in journalism, apprenticed by starting a forum where she wrote about psych music. One of her longest essays was: "Man, Zappa. What a freak."

Joni hoped to get a job at the BBC by being a whore and taking it up the ass by any and all staffers. The BBC saw the writing on her ass, and complained this was a misuse of their trademark word, "Whore."

They contacted Cilla Blackledge threatening to file suit. She said go ahead. So, they are sending over a suit (and even a tie) so that Joni remains dressed until "BBC WHORE" washes off in the shower. "Ha ha," says Cilla, "Joni hasn't taken a shower in years!"

Our third contestant?

Saskia Trivial-Bore

"I am SO proud of myself," says Saskia. "I think I have the best lettering. Isn't it nice that I am so flat-chested? That way there's no distortion on "SUCKED OFF." I usually have the guy tie my hands behind my back, because I'm proud that I don't do that cheating thing of sucking the tip while jerking off the shaft to make the guy cum faster. I take my time, because sucking on cock helps lubricate my throat. For this picture, Shauna Cuntwell tied my wrists. She needed about ten tries, since she's as good with rope as she is with guitar strings.

Like Shauna Cuntwell, I swallow. My voice is so smooth because of all the semen I drink. On a Saturday night, after I've busked a bit in a local bar, I go to the men's room and milk ten or twenty guys into a Tupperware bowl. That gives me my Sunday night dessert treat. I whip up the semen into a lovely merengue. I sprinkle in some Bird's Dessert, chill, and spoon it down while listening to "Come All Ye Faithful" on the Joan Baez Christmas album.

Asked who she thought should have won the creative writing contest, IF the Grimsby Telegraph had completed it, Cilla Blackledge shook her head. "None of 'em. ME. I have a tattoo on the knuckles of either hand."

She showed her left and then her right: "FUCK" and "OFF."