Jeff Beck Says Brian Wilson is a bit of a...VEGETABLE? Zombie?

Most anyone who follows the Beach Boys knows that Brian Wilson is fucked up.

Of course most anyone who follows the Beach Boys is fucked up, too.

Isn't it true, that Brian Wilson doesn't sing at these trivia-nostalgia band appearances, and pretty much just stays in the background looking dazed and confused and heavily medicated?

Isn't it true, that Wilson's got a stunt double hiding somewhere, singing his parts while he syncs?

Asked about what it was like to play with the great Mr. Wilson, Jeff Beck was honest. That's all. He was respectful, and honest. He didn't say "Brian's a fucking vegetable," or "If I want to see a zombie I'll go watch "Night of the Living Dead" again."

All he said was that the guy is "so quiet" that it's disturbing, and that he seems to be "in need of attention..." more than just leading him onto a stage so he can make money with his bickering over-aged Beach Boys.

Beck's mere peck, which I don't even recall seeing as news anywhere, has now been blown up and tossed around by the publicists for the terrible Wilson Phillips bore band...the one nobody goes to see except to glom how pretty or pretty fat and homely Brian's daughters are.

The girls are SHOCKED, SHOCKED that Beck would answer a question honestly.

And by the way everyone, Wilson Phillips hasn't gone the way of "Mamas and the Papas" with Spanky, or "The Four Tops" without Levi Stubbs...it's apparently ready to rend the air at some hog farm or county fair near YOU (if you live in someplace rural where there are still outhouses).

You like that last line?

After slagging Beck for possibly being drunk when he dared to mention their over-medicated father ("Did he have a beer or what...") the sisters end with "It is in good taste to say nice things...even if you think otherwise."

Kim Jung-Un is a nice fellow. So's Putin. So's the guy who stabbed two tots in an elevator the other day. How far DOES this Pollyanna act go? OK, one of the Wilson sisters isn't fat, and the other doesn't have a greasy face.

The important thing is to use Beck to get publicity for the girls' awful band. And to remind everyone how they aren't just a bargain bin $1 CD eyesore, but are on the soundtrack for "Bridesmaids," the soundtrack being...a $1 CD eyesore. I left out the last paragraphs of pluggery. The plugs included Carnie talking about getting a role or being on the soundtrack for the "Bridesmaids" sequal. She added that when she attends this momentous film, she'll "wear a Kotex because I peed" laughing SO hard at the first film. Look, if you can't say anything nice about Kotex and how it's really supposed to be used, don't say anything at all. But it's nice you think of Kotex as an adult diaper, Carnie.

Speaking of adult diapers, let's be NICE and not wonder any further about how lucid and functional Brian Wilson really is.

In fact let's just remember him for what he was...the leader of a sun-tanned version of The Four Seasons, just another one of those 60's bands (including The Four Tops, an even more sun-tanned act) that pretty much recorded the same song over and over with different (but rarely interesting) lyrics. "In My Room" doesn't equal "In My Life" and The Beach Boys (or the Four Seasons) never were remotely close to being "The American Beatles."

The Beach Boys are barely higher up the ladder than Jan and Dean, Paul Revere and the Raiders, or the fuckin' Monkees. So leave it to Rolling Stone to go find Brian Wilson, catch him on a good day, and promote the story that he's Fine, Fine, Fine (till his daughters take the old man away...)