PBS and The Dave Clark Five: HYPE ALL OVER

The media's done it again...revisionist history and injecting hype into pretty dead meat.

Sorry, but even if they made 18 appearances on Stone Face Sullivan's show, and even if they had a few hits...The Dave Clark Five were NOT in any way, equal to the Beatles or the Rolling Stones. Not in America. I can't speak for the U.K. where it's vaguely possible the "Tottering Sound" actually rivaled the "Mersey Beat" or "Barton Upon Humming," or "Gerry Pacemaker Ticking."

Having been in the business for such a long time, it's amusing (and disgusting) to know how this fakery happens. I know how producers and writers shamelessly slant a story where there isn't one. You can just see the meeting at PBS: "What can we do next? That fat effeminate TJ Whats-his-name pest who does those 50's oldies things...he's running out of people who are still alive. What can bring in donations during a pledge drive?" "Er, uh, why don't we claim the Dave Clark Five were as big as The Beatles? Dave is shopping a special...he'll even put on his nicest face (possible) and shill for us." "Done."

Next step? Find at least one member of his band who doesn't hate him, and would be willing to talk on camera. Next, find some memorabilia to support the preposterous claim that "The Beatles and the Dave Clark Five were RIVALS." OK. There was some cheapie magazine: "Beatles vs Dave Clark Five." Let's forget that Vee-Jay used to put out "Beatles vs Four Seasons" records...and there were magazines about that nonsense, too.

Next? Find egomaniacal celebrities who'd be willing to say nice things about the Dave Clark Five just go get face time. It's all good publicity. Ah, reliable media clown Whoopi Goldberg. Ooh, Dionne Warwick needing to prove she's alive...Stevie Wonder who probably didn't know he was being filmed...

Aside from the overblown quotes from desperate celebrities, a few stats twisted to seem impressive, and clips frantically cut together to give the illusion of "Hard Day's Night," the reality just wasn't the way this "special" paints it. The shit that came oozing from Herman's Hermits and Dave Clark and the rest...was far behind The Beatles and The Rolling Stones.

The hits? I'll grant you that "Glad All Over" had a tough beat. Tougher than the Rolling Stones? Debatable. But definitely LOUD and full. Hear that on the radio and you'd say, "Oh, the Dave Clark Five." But you wouldn't buy it. Not any more or less than some of the other also-rans, which includes The Kinks, The Who, Freddie, Gerry, and on and on.

The DC5 were like the Four Tops...they recorded the same song again. And again. And again. And the name of the game is...somebody liked it like that. I didn't. Never bought a single single. I also don't listen to that crap even when I get nostalgic. "Bits and Pieces" is fucking redundant. "Glad All Over" really doesn't make ME glad all over. What else did they do? "Over and Over" stunk. It was all the same. Not bad when you're listening to the radio for an hour and you want some variety, but not too great.

A big reason why the DC5 was nowhere near The Beatles is the band had very little personality. It was all aimed at Clark, and he was boring.

He looked a bit nasty and now...we all know...he LOOKS evil!

In the interview clips, Clark comes off as vaguely arrogant, that's about it. He wasn't Herman. He wasn't Gerry (a Paul clone). He wasn't a zany Freddie. He wasn't even a sour, gimlet eyed Eric Animal. Dave Clark merely comes off as some cynical road manager subbing for the star who didn't feel like being interviewed.

As to how he looks today...if you told me that a midget pointed a derringer at him and shot him between the eyes...it would be believable. How do you get eyebrows like that? As to how he acts...he's still the same. Boring. During the pledge drive, he very politely and inspidly asks people to pledge some money. Which must've broken his heart, because it's money not going into his pocket. Although having PBS pay to air a self-serving special...that's enough loot for this galoot.

Surprisingly, the most annoying thing about the special (which I turned off halfway through) was not all the lies and half-truths and very boring footage of these guys standing around while girls scream...but the overbaked drivel from the mouth of Tom Hanks.

I've enjoyed his talk show appearances, and his self-deprecation, and his tendency toward being truthful. Yet at a fetid induction of the DC5 into the Schlock and Roll Hole of Shame, Tom Hanks went off the rails. Any minute he looked like he was going to piss his pants or have a heart attack. Here's a guy who rarely chewed the scenery in any movie, but here, with every sentence, he lost it more and more.

He was raging and quivering and fiercely explaining how IMPORTANT these assholes were and ARE, how dynamic they sounded, and how they moved heaven and earth and created some epiphany for the ages. If there's a copy of his ridiculous speech somewhere, go read it for yourself, only imagine it delivered by King George VI with a red hot poker up his ass.

Dave Clark 5? Hardly much better than Paul Revere and the Raiders or The Young Rascals. The special? A balloon loaded up with farts more than helium...yielding a sound almost as loud and unpleasant as Dave Clark's drums.