Amy Wetone: "A Gravesite can NEVER be too Garish!"

Pity the grieving Amy Wetone. People haven't seen her in a long time, because she spends most of her days festooning the gravesite of her beloved Shauna.

If you take a bus to the train and a train to the bus and then a cab to the north entrance of the West Lincolnshire cemetery, which is in North East Lincolnshire just North of the South Lincolnshire cemetery, you'll find Amy alternately staring up at heaven and staring down at the grave.

Sad isn't it, how Amy's head has become so swollen. It's the prednisone, Xanax and Ribena she's been taking to cope with her loss. She's also developed a swelled head in thinking that anyone wants to look at the ridiculous grave she's cobbled together.

"Cemeteries are such dull old places," she huffs. "Give me credit for brightening things up! I want everyone to come by and see Shauna's grave. Her nickname was "Hello Kitty," because I'm sure, if she lived past six months, she would've collected all the "Hello Kitty" toys and dolls and accessories. Why should a cemetery look like a cemetery, when it can look like a theme park? A bit of a Blackpool resort? A toy store?"

One might think that a dollop that only lasted six months doesn't really require such a huge, eternal placemat. Indeed, Amy admits, "Shauna was born defective, with a hairless pussy and giant eyes. Shauna made the weirdest noises, like a broken vocoder. She had almost no brain cells, and I spent many hours drawing replicas of the images that doctors supplied on test microscope slides."

Still, that's no reason not to create a call-attention-to-her gravesite that shakes up the solemn dignity of the surroundings. Isn't it better to imply that one day Shauna will simply rise from her grave, inspired by the toys above, and come back to life? Why insist she's dead?

"Dead?" Amy asks. "Who died? Shauna didn't die. She went to sleep, that's all. That's what I put on the stone. She went to sleep. Shauna "Hello Kitty" Wetone isn't dead at all!"

There's been enough furor and controversy to wake the dead, but obviously, it hasn't awakened Shauna. Many are firmly convinced that such a display is an affront to human dignity.

"Ah, but that's human dignity," Amy points out. You see, Shauna "Hello Kitty" Wetone is not human. She was Amy's pet hedgehog. Shauna got run over by a Barton-Upon-Humber drummer driving late to a gig accompanying the drills and jackhammers at a boat repair place. Some are saying that since it's a hedgehog and not a human, Amy should stop being a pain in the ass, and cease and desist.

"I have my pride," she says, "and the haters are just prejudiced. I've got five boyfriends, and not all of them are Muslim. I fancy I'll have eight or ten bastards by the time I'm 30, but it isn't every day that I can find a hedgehog for a pet. Not one like Shauna, with giant eyes and a pinkish white hairless pussy."

Will she ever take down the display? "Of course not!" Amy shouts, "Any more complaints and you'll hear words that would be censored in the Grimsby Telegraph! Which is practically half the dictionary!!!!"