AND THE LOSER IS...PETER CAPALDI

It's OFFICIAL. The new Dr. Who is Scotland's PETER CAPALDI.

"Wow, I haven't played "Dr. Who" since I was nine," he enthused. "Now I get to do it for 30, 40, 50, 60 year-olds who act like they're nine!"

The bony-faced eccentric was chosen primarily because the producers hope that Kentucky Fried Chicken will sponsor the show. He does look like an emaciated, bird-brained version of Col. Sanders

However, Capaldi insists, "I'll bring a certain eccentric intelligence to the role. I'll re-invent Dr. Who. He's been sort of a Re-Tardis for so many years. I can hardly wait to get to work, and a few years down the line, try acting."

There were several strong contenders who nearly edged out Capaldi.

Foremost was Billy Connolly, who having spent so many years telling puke jokes, seemed a sure thing to star in a puke joke of a show.

Robert Downey was chosen, because it's obligatory to choose Robert Downey for every fucking "hero" part in movies and TV. He said, "Look, I'm already Iron Man, and Sherlock Holmes. I'm holding out to play a real hero next...whoever manages to get elected over that fuck-up David Cameron."

Another contender was the late James Doohan, who still gets fan mail from "Star Trek" fans. The idea, producers said, "Was to clone him. But did you know he lost a finger during the war? We can't locate the finger. We think it's up somebody's ass at the BBC, but cavity searches have only found drumsticks, new potatoes, rolled up copies of The Sun, speeches by Iain Duncan Smith, and discarded acquittal notices sent to LulzSec hackers and Muslim clerics."

Sadly, boxing analyst Jim Watt actually got the job, but accidentally turned it down. Reached by phone with the good news, he said, "Who? I'm Watt! WATT? WHO?" And then he lapsed into a dialect that made no sense at all.

Perhaps the strangest comment on all of this "Who will play Dr. Who" commotion came from Daniel Craig, who said, "I could've sworn I was being auditioned for the role of Dr. Who. You mean somebody sat me naked in a chair with no seat and was kicking me in the balls for nothing??"