THE TOP JERKS AT THE ASSHOLE BERRY FESTIVAL

1. Rob Auton – “My girlfriend pulled a Marianne Faithfull, and fucked herself to orgasm with a chocolate bar. She went from a Wispa to a scream!”

2. Alex Horne – “My gay boyfriend fucked himself with a chocolate bar. YORKIE of course…it's NOT for GIRLS! Hey what do you call Elton John's asshole? A furnish'd room!”

3. Alfie Moore – “I’m always involved in group sex. I get on stage and the audience shouts, "FUCK YOU."

4. Tim Vine – “My friend wanted to go to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him ‘Don’t be Sicily’. He said, "Jamaica joke like that up yourself, or did you get help from some talentless retard named Tim Vine?"

5. Gary Delaney – “I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock. Somebody laughing at one of my jokes. I was suffering the other day from prophylactic shock. Somebody said, "Get off the stage, scumbag."

6. Phil Wang – “The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He appeals to naive fucking idiots…and Glastonbury talent judges."

7. Marcus Brigstocke – “You know you are fat when you find yourself called Chubby Brown. Which is also the nickname for a huge pile of elephant shit. As is Brigstocke."

8. Liam Williams – “The universe implodes. No matter. No joke. No, wait, how about this: what's all that brown stuff on the side of my head? Somebody tried to Wispa in my ear! Uh, come on, don't tell me you're tired of Wispa jokes...all right. What's six inches long and has two nuts? NOT a Wispa bar, an Almond Joy. My local Indian restaurant imploded! No muttar! Oh, you think Bobby Mair will be any better?? ”

9. Bobby Mair – “I was adopted, but I'm not sure if my mother was human. I do know, based on my jokes, that she couldn't have been a laughing hyena. All I know is mum left a note at the maternity ward: "I started a joke…one that isn't funny." Everybody seems to know that my mum wasn't married, and that I don't make much money from comedy. After I perform, I hear people mutter, "Poor bastard..."

10. Chris Coltrane – “The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that they can go back to the era of Kenneth Williams and Spike Milligan and find a good joke instead of a contrived set-up and no punchline. Hey! My girlfriend went to the toilet. She made this horrible noise and then she did a brown plop. She went from a scream to a Wispa...”