ELTON MOM: Reggie's Vagina Hires a Lookalike

Happy 90th to...Elton's strangely estranged Mom. The one who hired an Elton look-alike for her birthday party.

Usually a gay son has severe issues with either his father or his mother. Elton? Both. But happily for him (and her), his mommy issues really didn't get out of control until 3 years ago. Yes, up till age 87, Mama, Old Dwighty, was able to deal with her son's peculiar outfits and attend functions when it was hard to tell which was the old lady.

If you're expecting further snark, read no further, 'cause really, the point here is only to say that yes, we ALL have problems. Even the supposedly oh-so-sensitive Elton (gay=sensitive), who has put many a mewling melody to love lyrics by Bernie, can't stop boycotting his own mother. The woman could drop dead at any moment. Oh well. Apparently mum had the nerve to say something about El's husband, David Furnish, and that was THAT. Furnish, who is on Farcebook, friending even old Elton John back-up singers and wishing 'em a happy birthday, didn't feel like mending fences with his, uh, mother-in-law.

Oh, besides, these two are busy raising dollops. Nevermind that they look like a pair of old people the Pythons could play. If the toddlers need to run around, there are nannies to chase after 'em. Aren't there? Or shouldn't there be women in the picture at all?

In today's world it's "only natural" for same-sex parents to raise a child. Let some therapist try and prove that a child benefits from seeing the differences between masculine and feminine and having both a male and female as role models. Ohhhhh....the KERFUFFLE. Poo! Double poo! TWO crazy men or two crazy women are just fine in this crazy world. WHAT...is NORMAL? Not speaking to your 90 year-old mum, that's what.

According to the papers Nellie-ton John doesn't speak to his father, his half-brother, various ex-lovers, managers, even a chauffeur he had for 30 years. It all goes under the heading of "genius," and being "complex." And gay.

At least his mum doesn't have to worry about money. She sold off some of the gold records and memorabilia he gave her, and moved from two miles to 60 miles away from Mr. Flamboyant, and look, if she really needs to hear the songs he wrote and sang when he could still write and sing, he can call on that Mr. Bacon fellow, and he'll do an hour for her, and cheap. And really, if you've got an old cunt of your own, you don't need to call up for one.

At mum's 90th, there was Gary Osborne, who was only too glad to tell reporters: "I’m still friends with Elton, he is godfather to my son, my favourite co-writer..." and as for Elton Mum, "I’m sad they are not getting on but it’s none of my business...these things happen in families."

Indeed, families do have problems.

Sometimes all you can do is remember the good times. And with Elton John, it also helps to remember the 70's, which was when he was in any way worthy of his name being spoken along with Elvis and The Beatles. Incredibly, with his first bunch of albums, he was almost in their league, at least in terms of "songs that charted." Reviewers did take him seriously, too. Now? Not so much.

So Elton can tell the world to boycott some faggy fashion company, and he probably told everyone in his inner circle to boycott his mother's 90th birthday, too. (When WAS the last time Gary Osborne co-wrote with Elton John? "Little Jeannie" in 1980, not a particularly important ditty?). The message is that if you can headline Vegas like the great dead Elvis, if you pretend to be a wife, if you have two ridiculous dollops and some ugly annoying "husband" to look up to, and if you can point to Disney shit and a tribute song to the great dead Diana to explain why anyone should care about you anymore, then you don't need your mother.