Pudgy James Corden wants YOU to LIKE HIM

The British tabloids seem to love pudgy (ie, obese, fat, flabby) James Corden, and were glad to say so. To their audience of withered white people and Adele-type cows who still read newspapers in an increasingly Muslim-dominated country, they assured that "James Corden is a hit."

They wrote this BEFORE the show even aired in America, and of course, before the ratings could come in. What did they base this misleading info on? I guess that they had a few people in the audience to instantly Tweet or e-mail, "He got through it without crying, almost."

Piers Morgan, apparently a shower-buddy of Corden's, wrote a glowing review of how this guy will be wildly successful, and it couldn't happen to a nicer guy. As opposed to Piers, whom nobody feels is such a nice guy?

One thing the British press got right: he's "virtually unknown in America." NOBODY knows of any TV work this guy has done, and NOBODY except a few brats and gays bothered to go see "Into the Woods," in which he sings and bores. His obligatory guest spot on Letterman's show was a bore, too. He was supposed to ingratiate himself with his grand humility and his brilliant wit, and all he did was repeat how "lucky" and "surprised" he was to get such an important and high-profile job. This was to counter the grimaces of "Who the fuck are you," "You look like Andy Richter, Conan O'Brien's annoying sidekick," and the job could've gone to...Norm MacDonald, Jon Stewart, Bill Maher, etc. etc."

The etc. etc. of course refers to every black comedian in America, and every female comedian in America. But not necessarily every black female comedian in America.

The reviews have come in from actual American critics. Guess what.

They "like" him. That's about it. He didn't offend. He didn't make them laugh. He didn't show any personality. He's "nice."

They said he didn't have great interview skills, but he'll get better.

Some noted that like Jimmy Fallon, who is also bland and inoffensive most of the time, he hired a BLACK bandleader. In fact, he hired one with a bigger Afro. In fact, this guy is some kind of fucking muppet. Who IS this extremely ugly jackass? The one Corden mewled that he was "lucky" to get to support him? Reggie WHO?? No, he's not known in America either.

Reggie, at 43, is actually 7 year older than baby-face Corden, but both are well within the demographic for "appealing to young idiots who are easily amused by shitty shows only morons would watch." CBS now figures they've got this time spot locked up for 10 or 20 years. In other words, till drought and climate change and a lack of electricity do what the Muslim terrorists might not have already done in destroying the world.

I only watched out of morbid curiosity, to see how nervous the guy would look. He has too many layers of fat to show any twitches, and the guy is already an OBE (OBESE) in England so it's not like he never appeared in public before. What's the worst that could happen? That he'd be called "nice" or "boring?" Well after midnight, it doesn't really matter.

Who cares about late night talk shows? I used to. I don't anymore. If there's a famous guest (there are few) or a ditsy slut (there are many) maybe I'll watch for a while, but it used to be that professional hosts could make ANYONE look good. You watched the Carson show for Carson. Letterman for Letterman. Now, none of them has much personality and none of them have the wit or skill to save a boring guest who somehow isn't answering the prepared questions with enough enthusiasm.

Some hosts substitute pranks and games since these idiots who make movies and appear on TV shows can't talk. "Ha ha, Jimmy will play a quiz game and the loser gets hit with a shaving cream pie." "Ho ho ho, Jimmy will have his guest go out into the street and "surprise" a stranger by standing there and being a star."

Corden, who doesn't look like he's capable of waddling more than a few inches, won't be going out in the street or doing stunts. He'll just do what he's seen Graham Norton and Jonathan Woss do. No surprise, since those are the guys he seen the most of. He introduces the guests before they reach the couch (as Woss does) and insists they all come out at the same time (as Norton does). Zzzzzzz.

The insipid new host naturally began his first monologue with a desperate plea to be liked. He kept repeating he's unknown, he's lucky, he's shocked, he's humbled, and he let everyone know he's got two small kids, which is sort of what you say in begging for your life. He pointed to his parents in the front row and choked up with emotion at being so lucky to have them there. Which didn't prevent him from telling the crowd that his mum loved L.A. so much she was "going to get a boob job." The old lady took this without turning beet red. And we all know it doesn't mean this fat boy is going to be cheeky. No. First off he is NOT really a stand-up comic or a talk show host. He's an actor. He did his best in a taped piece in which he gets instructions on hosting from Jay Leno. He won't have the luxury of being able to spend a week taping a five minute segment. Soon he'll just be sitting there with his idiotic boring guests making small talk. Very, very small.

It doesn't matter how lousy you are when you start. Fallon was lousy. Corden's competition, still IS lousy (Seth Meyers, who is almost as gawky and creepy as Ben Stiller). Ferguson was probably lousy, but he developed his personality, his wicked streak, and was a truly inspired stand-up who stretched the boundaries of conversational humor to pretty much spend the first 20 minutes of the show guest-less, talking about himself, his views, and ad-libbing answers to e-mail.

So Corden, who has a two year contract, is not likely to get fired. CBS won't panic. The show will remain second to Meyers, and probably not lose too much ground in the ratings, as Ferguson's cult will depart but a bunch of mindless cows will tune in whenever they're bored with the guest Meyers is babbling with.

The days of Late Night Hero are gone. They don't relax you with their easy charm (Carson). They don't wash away the pain by lampooning the day's headlines and the idiots in politics (Letterman and Leno) and they don't cultivate the writers who can create really funny desk pieces, truly amusing "man in the street" interviews or the dopey segments on kids, animals, new products and science experiments that helped keep people awake. No. It's now a load of drivel-talk with air-head bitches, smug actors with stubble, and a manic, desperate comedian or two who will basically do seven minutes of their act without much prompting from the host.

Corden has not "conquered" America. He's more of a Trojan Horse, wheeled in while everyone was asleep. His big achievement is he's going to keep people asleep. His talk show is going to be numb and boring for anyone half-awake for it. You know what you've got with a butter-faced pudgy nobody like Corden, and an afro-Muppet asshole like Reggie Smells? You've got the equivalent of a hair on a pat of butter, that's all. The best you can hope for is that the sight of it doesn't make you throw up.