Inzayne Malcontent Forms "JUAN DIRECTION"

Inzayne Malcontent, the "wacky Paki" member of a "boy band" created by Slimy Towel, has left the group, citing "a sudden bout of sanity."

With those long Camel-like eyelashes, and a nose that just doesn't quit, and the light-diarrhea complexion that makes ordinary white bints swoon, Inzayne had tremendous appeal in a "boy band" noted for it's "diverse" look.

"Yes," Slimy Towel grinned, "I put them together because they each have a different creepy quality. Some have heavily hair-sprayed tufts of hair, some keep it greasy, some like it messy, pubic and smelly. All the guys sing in the same nauseating way, though. But physically, just look at them. They buy their clothes in different charity shops in order to get that chav-like, "who the fuck cares about fashion" fashion the girls love so much.

Of course some have tattoos, others have tattoos, and a few have tattoos. And for hobbies, well, they are all into getting blowjobs in their hotel rooms, but they don't all insist that the bints swallow. And a few don't mind if they get finished off by Graham Norton, or Sir Elton and David taking turns."

So what, WHAT caused Inzayne to suddenly come to his senses? Was it when he had to turn down a blowjob from David Walliams?

"Oh, HIM..." Inzayne laughs, "he wanted me to dress in drag and turn up on Britain's Got Tail Lint. What a strange fellow."

"Actually," he says, "I left because I let down fans of really bad music. White girls with no taste, have been chasing us all over the world. Even more bizarre, Japanese and other Asian girls have done it, too, and once you realize their cunts ARE vertical, even if the eyes are slanty, then you know that it's all just the same thing. So I'm forming "JUAN DIRECTION" to appeal to HISPANIC CHICKS!"

"Si," says his new manager, Slimy Towel, "Inzayne really wants to connect with girls like Selena Gomez, who sucked off Just A. Beeper. The Latina skin color and the Paki color are a good match, too. We're heading for One Direction: one religion on Earth and one skin color!"

Music industry pandits (a form of Middle-Eastern pundit) say that Inzayne is wise to move on to a new ethnic group.

"I can't pretend that white women appeal to me," says Inzayne, "and I'm well aware that my mum is a white woman. But Dad is Pakistani, and I feel I should be moving on. White girls are way too easy. Whether it's abducting them on the street, forcing them into white slavery, or just punching and beating them so they'll have sex with entire gangs of Pakis, there's just NO CHALLENGE. Now, the Latinas are much more feisty. This Gomez bitch actually made Beiber cry! She'll be a challenge for me."

Inzayne also said, "I'm a bad boy. I'm not a wuss like some of the others. THEY can go on Twitter, and THEY can let these white cows blow them, but I want a new, uglier sound to my music, and I want to expand my lyrics by reading more comic books. I love samosas filled with mincemeat, and my mum learned to make good ones or risk being beaten, but NOW I want to see if Latina girls can make some tacos and enchiladas with curry in them, or something like that. I dream SO BIG."

Inzayne, has three Muslim sisters, "And I sure would hate it if white guys went out with them!" Asked if they'll be fan of his new music he shrugs and says, "Women are all stupid. They do what fan magazines say they should do. Now me, I listened to shit like N'Sync, and watched "X Factor" and I put out garbage just like it. Now I'm into quality music, like the stuff Drake does. I'm just glad to know that any idiot shit I do will be lapped up by idiot teen girls who don't know any better."

As to turning his back on being the Prince Naseem of music, and being such an icon for white girls in the U.K., Inzayne shrugs and says, "The big challenge is Latinas. They are mostly Catholic. They need to learn all about Allah! They have to stop bowing to the Pope and start bending over for guys like ME. Hey, did I hear that the Maroon 5 guy, Adam Levine is a Jew? That can't be true, can it? I thought Bob Dylan was the last of THAT tribe. Hasn't some kind of fatwa been passed?"

All seriousness aside, Inzayne says, "Music is what brings us all together...on blogs, forums, torrents...we've all learned to steal it all, and that's fine with me. I make a FORTUNE off touring and merch. I'm set for life. That's why I figured I could easily leave that stupid boy band. Four of those no-talent idiots can muck around on stage just as well without me. OK, with no Muslim in the group, they might very well get machine-gunned in a hotel room someday, but that's life."