EUROVISION 60th Show - a SIGHT FOR BORED EYES

When I heard that the annual EUROVISION contest was on for Saturday night, and it was not worth watching…I naturally had to watch it. I was expecting to loathe it for being loaded up with Madonna-Viley Virus slutty nonsense, and Bieber jerks…and the preening presence of Graham Norton in a loud jacket, as MC. BUT…to my surprise but no delight, it turns out that this show is pretty conservative.

There were mostly ballads, almost no rap or disco, and it was more a throwback to Celine Dion and Lara Fabian and Demis Roussos types. If anyone younger was an influence, it was probably Adele, as several ugly fat women chose to stand up and bellow. 27 fucking music acts in a row? Most of them belting out horrible shit, with a few of them doing pretentious dance moves? It WAS unpleasant. I had to fast-forward through EVERYONE. Not a single act held my attention.

An ominous warning started the show...yeah, like every fucking quiz show now, every "Got Talent" show...things are so boring, STROBES and flashing lights have to "liven" things up, and yes, some people could get blinded by this shit.

Graham Norton didn't appear, he just narrated. Most of his snarky comments were too low in the mix of applause and bad music to be heard. He didn't have much time between acts to explain who each idiot was, how to pronounce the name, and what, if any, credentials they had for representing their countries. Typical mild Norton remark: "You won't believe me, but the standards are quite high tonight….don't worry there's the usual dross as well."

The one thing that struck me the most was that about 22 of the 27 contestants SANG IN ENGLISH.

Sadly, in England, way too many speak Arabic and Polish, and in America, it's becoming bilingual with the constant chitter of Spanish. So Europeans still LOVE our language and are influenced by OUR artists. But…English speaking nations allow themselves to be overrun by vermin, and they allow English-speaking musicians to be pirated shamelessly by scumbags hiding behind Croatian and Russian blogs and websites, and websites set up in other God-forsaken shit holes of the world. Thanks to Google and the rest of the powers that be, ISPs can't block offending websites and very rarely do you encounter a site that has been permanently taken down AND NOT bounced right back up with a different domain location.

The show boasted of being seen by 200 million viewers and being "beamed live to China." But it's NOT a "world music" contest, does NOT show the diversity of music styles, and seems to think the entire world should subsist on a diet of Celine Dion-type crap.

The nominal theme of the evening was "Building Bridges." Yeah? It was more like being stuck in a time tunnel marked 1986.

Fuckhead after fuckhead stood there with the same irritating postures, leering, moronic gestures and vainglorious grimaces. There was no attempt at variety. The idea was very old-fashioned: present a generic SONG that everyone in the world could tolerate.

"EUROVISION" is supposed to mean Europe, right? So what the fuck was AUSTRALIA doing in there? And ISRAEL? Yes, Africa was not invited, nor America of course, but what the fuck was ISRAEL there for? No other Middle-Eastern country came, and there were no countries from the Far East. I don't usually say something like this, but, WHO NEEDED THE JEW?

The Jew in question, was a sort of overweight version of Justin Timberlake. In fact he was one of the few to do rap, even if it was the middle-of-the-road Timberlake version of it. He was there to show that Jewish guys can posture and rap? Well, based on what he did, the answer is still a resounding NO. Make that a loud OY. He was pushy, yes. He was arrogant, yes. He was on key and adequately coordinated in his idiotic dance steps, yes. But he still sucked. Proof that he sucked is that he ended up in the Top Ten.

Yes, it was nice that Israel was invited, and remarkable that so many people voted for a Jew. But…this is the most anemic way of fighting anti-semitism.

Speaking of monkeys, the Jew was practically alone in the "why is THAT sub-species allowed to participate?" There was only ONE person of semi-color, a Muzzie-esque twat from Latvia. It was a sign that Latvia is getting its share of immigrants, eh? The entrants from Montenegro, Italy and Spain were greasy, and some white people don't count Italians and Spaniards as white, but really, almost everyone was VERY white. This was kind of surprise, considering that even in Holland and Norway, they're shivering over the influx of Muslims, and France is loaded with Algerians and Africans. (Who was the last French tennis chap, that black guy named Noah??)

It truly was a throwback to EUROVISION shows of years ago, to see so many white people, when the reality is that the Blacks and Arabs are pouring in, and there's no shortage of Asians looking to make a killing, as well as the Paki-wacks and other Sikh-o's.

1. Slovenia's slut was trying to be Lara Fabian or Dion. She wore clunky headphones while singing in English and making the usual ugly faces.

2. was a fatso from France. Graham Norton: "The song is DON'T FORGET. I fear, we will." She sang in FRENCH, of course.

3. was the awful Nadav Guedj of Israel, being Timberlake.

He sang in English, as did 4. a male/female duo of asshole and cunt from Estonia. The guy looked like he was trying to be Mellencamp or Tom Waits, as he sang some banal garbage about "So I took my things and got out of your way..." while the girl sourly disagreed. It was less a Meatloaf/Foley duet than a soggy version of The Bickersons.

Ah, The Bickersons were a radio duo (Don Ameche and Frances Langford) who made a few comedy albums in the early 60's.

Lord save us from the modern versions of Sonny and Cher. Keeerist. There were several of 'em on the show. And yes, take a look and see that these couples were gruesome and the lyrics were SO TRITE!

Up Fifth was "Electro Velvet," the embarrassing British entry, a troupe of cheeseballs who did an idiotic swing number. England swings? That was 40 years ago, friends. Even Slimy Towel would've rolled his eyes over them.

6. Was pretentious goth-rock from Armenia. Having seen the dress rehearsal (which was when all the judges evaluated the talent and cast their votes), Norton noted, "That was worse than I remembered." 7. Was a grim duet from Lithuana, with a perky blond singing with a faggy looking guy who'd make Neil Patrick Harris puke. It was in English, as was the song from 8. a fat pig from Serbia doing Adele, and 9. a nitwit from Norway with stubble on his face.

Oh…speaking of stubble, watching the show meant enduring LAST YEAR'S WINNER, the controversial mutant who wore a fancy dress, and lovely make-up…and a beard. Is that a transsexual? A woman with charcoal on her face? IF I'M BEING HONEST, I was too grossed out to take a closer look.

Since Norton had already seen all the entries, he was in a position to be a spoiler, and assure everyone that 10. from Sweden, Mans Zelmerlow, was "so clever and imaginative…good looking guy…big pop song…This might be our WINNER." His song was boring and ordinary. He looked like that jerk from Coldplay. He sang in English. And sure enough, he won. Ugh.

11, 12 and 13 were all boring guys doing ballads in English. The Belgium bozo was a Bieber type. The clown from Australia had lyrics so bad he seemed like English was a second language for him. "Everyone's got their problems…" including you, you trite moron. You belong in a kangaroo pouch, with the zipper tight.

The 14th pest of the night was from Austria, a jerk trying to look like Lennon (Sean more than Abbey Road-era John). He had the dopey hat, flashed a hostile and toothy grin, and thought all the girls were wetting their knickers when he earnestly sang "Anytime, anyplace…I'm YOURS." Christ what a moron.

His big deal was to "magically" throw a fireball into his piano and have it burst into flames. Yes, HE should've been the one to burst into flames.

It was SAD to see so many ugly, greasy and/or clueless guys emoting like they could do anything but make a woman cringe in disgust.

15 was Greece, another Celine pest. 16. Was a greasy balladeer from Montengro singing a traditionally lousy number in Spanish or Italian. 17. was an Adele type from Germany. 18. was the Polish chick doing Britney, with trite lyrics about "the greatness within you."

19 was the Half-Muzzie from Latvia, followed by two actual foreign-language singers, a harsh-voiced bald-headed Romanian who looked like a bad waiter in a Hungarian restaurant, and a nut from Spain who did a lot of "ayyy-eeeee-ahhh" screaming in Spanish.

22. Was a quintet of irritants singing an anthem of some kind in English. 23 was a bizarre goth cunt from Georgia who did a number Meatloaf would've rejected. 24 was a dopey guy from Azerbaijan singing with a few inept dancers trying to break up the monotony.

Another "favorite" of the evening was…no surprise…the RUSSIAN choice. This noisy twat seemed to sing in English, but was howling and bawling so much, and making such garish faces, it was hard to be sure. What an assault rifle, this bitch. She's the first one in the set of pix below.

Most of the women this year were posturing like bad versions of Lara or Celine, except for the punk freak from Georgia. NONE of them were sexy, NONE of them came off as anything but imitators.

The evening petered out with an Albanian peasant singing in awful English, and then an annoying trio of ugly Italian guys doing a mediocre number that was lame enough and pseudo-clalssical enough to have every dimwit cheering.

I thought that the 27 songs were going to take FOUR HOURS, but it turns out that well over an hour was devoted to "the results." This was absolutely tedious reports on who was ahead, and which countries voted their "blocks" of votes for which artists. There were also boring interviews including one with that cro-magnon cunt who won last year.

Norton had hinted that there really wasn't much doubt that Sweden and Russia were the odds-on favorites, and the voting was in ONE DIRECTION, theirs, through most of the Novacaine-hour of waiting for the phone-in votes.

Yes, it did surprise me that anyone voted for Israel. This was a positive sign, considering how many Jews are being harassed and killed every day, and how even dead Jews get their tombstones toppled or spray-painted with swastikas. It might also be a negative sign, that ANY jerk, even a JEW, can amaze dolts by imitating Timberlake. So, sorry Timberkike, I don't congratulate Jew for what Jew did.

IF I'M BEING HONEST nobody in the TOP 15 deserved to BE in the TOP 15. If I had to pick any of 'em to win, well, SLOVENIA wasn't too obnoxious, and neither was the cunt from POLAND. But neither of them are in the same class as Lara Fabian, and even Lara Fabian is an acquired taste and not someone you can listen to very often.

It did NOT surprise me that England's entry finished almost last. THEY STUNK. They would not have finished in the Top 5 on "Britain's Got Talent," and that show is notorious for cheering the most vapid, imitative and lamest singing acts. EUROVISION: EURO TRASH…and worse than that…numbingly boring drivel, too.