"I won't be offering my windy opinions on King Crimson or Robert Fripp, or stealing their music, because, guess what. I'm done! Done! I've got better things to do. EAT!"
"Yes, I'll be shoving snacks in my cake hole! Then I'll be engaging in more self-indulgence as I continue posting thousands of self-absorbed dimwitted YouTube videos. Call me the BUNCE OF CUNTS, but that's not quite fair. BUNCE gets paid a salary. I blubber my nonsense for pennies and Paypal donations. Yet, me, a bald-headed wit-challenged clod who looks like a gutted elephant seal, I think I'm a star!"
"I actually think, because 400 or so morons accidentally find some YouTube post, watch a few seconds and LEAVE, I'm important!"
"(Chomp chomp.) I'll be drinking a quart of beer next. Then you can call my nose King Crimson."
"But no, no more abusing the actual creative rock group. You know, the one that GETS PAID, and doesn't spend all day in a basement nattering to a camcorder."
"Am I conceding that "fair use" doesn't mean stealing? Of course not. I have excuses. I'm giving valuable publicity to famous people who need dull average drones babbling about them on YouTube. Does it mean that I acknowledge that "monetizing" stuff that doesn't belong to me is wrong? No, YOU don't understand, if I use as much as I think is right, that makes it right!"
"Oh well. Instead of Robert Fripp I'll promote Fudge Ripple. Everyone, eat some Fudge Ripple because I said so. My opinion. I'm Leinengen and you lot, are the ants. Face it, I'm a reasonable bloke who believes in transparency, although my bulky body would give trouble to an airport x-ray machine."
"You can see by my smirk and my enormous head and fat cheeks, I'm an adult baby who ALWAYS gets what he really wants. Which is self-gratification. And oversized nappies. When I'm not oozing out my worthless opinions, I'm oozing shit. Can you tell the difference?"
"I like swallowing tons of snack foods, which I like to scent with either vegemite or vagina leakage, I don't care which. I'm always gorging and think I'm SO gorgeous! I've got SIDEBURNS. I have "outrageous" opinions. You might think what I have to say isn't worth a hill of beans, but don't try and tell ME that! I've got a website. I will drone on forever, while keeping my day job as stuffing for a homeless man's mattress in a shack in Hull.
"So pay ME for MY totally obscure nonsense! Please donate to ME via Paypal! Listen to my podcasts, too! And I've got hemorrhoids that I'd love to show you! ME ME ME! It's all about ME! I'm being reasonable, can't you see? I act like I'm as famous as people I see on TV, so I must be. I bet I'm the most pungently infamous thing in my neighborhood...aside from the dog droppings."
"If you're honest, you'll agree I am quite compelling considering I have a cherry pit for a brain. Maybe one day that cherry pit will soften and I'll get an idea that humility is what an obscure turd like me should consider. Coming off like a star when I'm a nobody just might be making me a laughing stock. The hundreds of hits, puny as they are even by YouTube standards, MIGHT just be coming from people having a giggle at me!"
"Go ahead, laugh at my pulpy, self-absorbed, delusional view of what's creative and what's FAIR USE."
[THIS piece is creative and it's satire, which is FAIR USE. PS, getting a "strike" on YouTube is important for a nobody but REAL editorial performers who get PAID to be on TV or to stream on PROFESSIONAL websites don't have such a "problem" to get upset over.]
"Now pardon me while I eat an entire Tesco ham. It'll all go directly to my enormous arse, which could make me another Kardashian, a big talentless butt of stink and excess. Yes, I look at how many totally worthless uninteresting bores there are making money, so why shouldn't I feel I can be one of them, as I sit in my obscure toilet, fantasizing that me, my music and my opinions matter? What? The London Daily Mail didn't weigh in on the "controvsery" over how I made some comments about Ian Wallace? I can't believe it. I also can't believe I'm not butter."
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