You spell FAIL...F.A.O...Schwartz

OK, FAO Schwartz is biting the dust.

I suppose this is like hearing that Harrod's is history. Or something like that. How could such an iconic name be gone? You mean, RICH people aren't buying OVERPRICED LUXURY ITEMS ANYMORE???

FAO claims the rent is "too high" at their current location, just off 5th Avenue and 57th, which, coincidentally, is next to the "Apple Cube," the flashy see-through Apple Store.

Yes, this is prime tourist territory. It's very close to the start of Central Park, and easy walking to the Broadway theaters and Times Square, too. Creepy landlords charge a fortune or a lot of "break even" flagship stores along 5th Avenue, where chocolate companies, fashion idiots, watch companies and even Disney try to have a presence.

So why is FAO FUCKED AND OVER?

Because KIDS are NO LONGER INTERESTED in traditional TOYS.

Slimy-rich tourists saunter in, babbling in Arabic or Italian, and hauling their greasy brats around, but they are NOT BUYING. So this is a museum with no admission price. People stand around and only look at the life-size doll that can't be lugged onto a plane or easily mailed back to Abu-Daba-Daba. They don't buy it. Or the exotic toy train sets. Or a toy car you can ride around the estate.

Kids don't play with that shit anymore. Kids are now solitary mopes sitting in front of computers. They are soulless and evil. They don't have friends to play CLUE or MONOPOLY with...they have Facebook Friends at best, and boast about the numbers they reach on computer games.

I had no idea the creepy TOYS R US chain had bought FAO Schwartz...but isn't that big TOYS R US store in Times Square ALSO going under? What are they gonna do, find a giant space nearby and combine the two? It'll still FAIL.

Most rich people no longer have gigantic apartments in the city. Kids aren't likely to have their own GIANT room that can fit a huge doll house with all the accessories. Suburban brats aren't likely to live on giant estates where they can gallop around on a gas-guzzling toy pony. All they want are COMPUTERS.

So they gawk at FAO but BUY at the Apple store next door. Tourists flock to it, even though it isn't half as interesting as FAO. People are just agog over the fact it's a huge glass cube, and you can go down in a huge glass elevator, or walk down a winding glass staircase (that just manages to keep you from looking up women's skirts) to get to the main floor.

There IS only a main floor. On this fuckin' noisy main floor, there are only those very few Apple products you can buy...a brand of iPod, a brand of iPad, etc. That's how they made their money, by NOT giving you variety. So you're standing around with smelly, ugly tourists jibbering and jabbering, and you can try out a laptop or a model with a 26 inch screen, and ask for help from the pretty enormous fleet of t-shirted employees.

One wall on either side is full of peripheral shit you can buy...keyboards, speakers, headphones, etc. But really, you're done with this fuckin' place in a half hour, no matter what kind of gawker you are. FAO Schwartz, which has several floors, is something a little more memorable (unless you're allergic to brats and their obnoxious parents, most of them talking posh or in accents or not in English at all).

So, goodbye FAO, for good, or temporarily (to smaller quarters and much less ostentatious toys). And goodbye TOYS R US in Times Square, too. Again, that place was doomed, because kids no longer play Monopoly or other board games, and the other traditional things you find in a toy store just aren't of interest to kids brought up to sit in front of a keyboard. There are also fewer playgrounds, and fewer playgrounds where a kid won't have his ball stolen and his face punched.

As I recall it, the big draw at TOYS R US wasn't that you could buy card games or stuffed animals, but that there was a snack bar where you could gorge yourself on soda and candy, and there was an enormous dinosaur on display, a Disney-esque thing that moved slightly. The idea was to go in and see this stuff, and buy toys. But obviously, tourists just came in to look, maybe buy an overpriced candy bar, and LEAVE.

Down the block? McDonalds. Burger King. Ripley's Believe it or Not. "The Lion King." Having your picture taken with a spic wearing an unlicensed Sesame Street costume or some not-too-athletic jerk in a Spiderman suit.

"Are we having fun yet?"