Cameron's retard MICHAEL GOVE "KNOWS SHIT!"

To the shock and dismay of a nation, Michael Gove, the bumbling, ass-backward Education Secretary, has been kicked up to the new position of Justice Secretary.

Some wonder if this is the arrogance of the newly re-elected David Cameron, or some horrendous mistake. Cameron, while wiping Rupert Murdoch's ass, told the newspaper tyrant, "Michael Gove knows shit."

Which could be taken two ways. But Michael Gove held a press conference to prove exactly what Cameron meant.

He held up some bullshit, and pointed to some mad cow shit. He said, "The texture is completely different on this, that, and the shit in my pants."

Cameron was accused of toffee-nosed bird's pudding-brained elitist idiotic blindness in not having Gove fired long ago. After Gove suffered a vote of no confidence by the National Union of Teachers, Cameron said, "Look, he's NOT my shower buddy. It's obvious. He never showers.

He is an ass, but I assure you, he exudes a ripe, Tory way of thinking. He believes in giving assessments to four year-olds to see if they have the same mentality he does. He's for a ten hour school day so that mothers at home can have more time to fuck the milk man and postman and add to population growth."

Cameron continued: "As to that incident where he took a knife to a parakeet, well, he thought he had been told to "slash the budgie." Of course it was budget, but you can't expect Michael Gove to comprehend the English language. I think that's why he believes students in the future should be bilingual in speaking Arabic and knowing sign language. Specifically the sign for "hands up in the air, I give up, don't behead me, Allah is Great."

Cameron was pleased when Gove was given the job of "Chief Whip," as "it will probably give him great sexual pleasure to beat children with a leather belt. Uh, isn't that what the chief whip does? Look, we Tories expect that rich people and blue-bloods will have their little kinky interests, like Jimmy Saville. What Michael Gove does in his spare time is of no concern to me. Just watch shaking hands with him, as he spends so much time with his finger up his ass. Or somebody else's. You do remember that pained expression Iain Duncan Smith used to have?"

As to why a goon-faced marionette like Michael Gove should be given a critical position in Justice, Cameron had the answer. "Oh, JUSTICE...my heavens. I thought it was "JUST US," because, you know, important jobs are for just US, we Tories with simple minds and no concern for the average White Christian British citizen. Or, "slavey" as we call them."

Gove has pledged to build more prisons, and fill them with drunks, shoplifters, and others easy to arrest. There will be a strict "don't bother Muslims" policy. As to the death penalty, Gove says, "It's become very popular in England, ever since the rise of Radical Islam. I recall that fine member of Islam who gave the death penalty to a British soldier who saw no combat but merely played in a marching band. Then there was the death penalty they used on British transport. I think we should get used to the death penalty. Of course, I certainly don't advocate US using it on THEM...the colorful immigrants. Attention, my Muslim friends, I don't draw a picture of Mohamed. All I do is drop my pants and draw flies. Several are enjoying "take-away" right now, on my crusty sphincter. My dear Muslim friends, also know that I'm a BIG fan of hummus. It looks SO much like diarrhea!"

With a face that resembles a startled turkey, and a bird-brain to match, Michael Gove may seem an odd choice for Justice Secretary, but he says he's up on all current crime problems. "I have a feeling," he whispered, "that there may be something off about that fellow Christie. Then again, it's not unheard of for women to rape themselves and then commit suicide. I guarantee that if he's guilty, he will be arrested. After all, he's white, and not likely to put up a fuss."

As to other serious justice issues, Gove shrugged. "They're only serious if you choose to think they are, and I don't. Not if they involve people of color. You know, the Pakistanis are very nice about not allowing their white slave bints being gang-raped by more than a dozen people a day."

Michael Gove reiterated, "I know shit!" He then bit into a big hunk of some. Laughing, he wiped his mouth and said, "Sapristi, I thought it was the Halal take-away I ordered. Peanut curry or something. You know, I really am as dumb as a I look!"