Letterman, and Why Real New Yorkers Ignored His Last Days

"Ever visit the Statue of Liberty," Felix asked Oscar.

"No."

"You're a typical New Yorker!"

While those lies from an "Odd Couple" TV episode are a bit of hyperbole, the fact is that New Yorkers do NOT do tourist shit. They do not walk around Times Square grinning at cretinous Puerto Ricans sweating inside unlicensed Sesame Street outfits.

New Yorkers don't eat at "famous" places like Toots Shorr, Russian Tea Room, Mama Leone or whatever the fuck people think of as a famous New York restaurant. They avoid the tourist trap stores on Fifth Avenue. They aren't impressed by manufactured attractions like the South Street Seaport.

They wouldn't walk past the Empire State Building or be in Grand Central Station unless they had to. And they don't walk around slowly, staring at shit.

And guess what, when there are celebrity events, New Yorkers are busy working. Or having anxiety attacks. Or fucking. Or going online to gripe or Tweet. David Letterman's last show? What New Yorker in his right mind would even THINK of going to Broadway and 52nd just to be a "part" of it?

Times Square on New Year's Eve would be just as stupid.

No, it was idiotic tourists, who happened to be in town to see "Lion King," who stood far, far away from the stage door, behind metal barriers, to try and get a snapshot of something or someone...the marquee, Paul Shaffer...

What you see in the picture above, are idiots pushed clear across the street by security, penned up, far away from the stage door. MORONS. Even sadder, you don't see the hundreds of others who couldn't even get that far...who took a subway or bus only to reach the corner and see that there was no way they'd get a closer look at the "action."

From where these idiots were standing, they saw almost nothing. Most stars arrived by limo and the limo would block these idiots from seeing anything. At best, they'd see the back of Jerry Seinfeld as he strolled through the stage door. If he happened to turn around to the shouts of "Hey Jerry!" these people were so far away, they'd need Photoshop to blow up the image, which would show a blur that might be mistaken for a very ill and slightly overweight whippet.

Now if you think that being a professional photographer with a PRESS PASS means you get to be on the RIGHT side of the street, you're right.

You're closer to the action. If a star feels like preening and posing before entering the stage door, you can get a shot. BUT...you'll be standing around for TWO FUCKING HOURS, because some stars arrive early to be on the show, and others come at the last minute.

Tell me, would YOU want to be standing among this smelly, craven, dumbass bunch of hobo shit-for-brains?

Real glamorous, huh?

Take a good look. Alfred Hitchcock once called actors "Cattle." What would you call the paps and the staff photographers in THIS image? Retards? Sheep? Losers? Stinkpots? Low-class grubs?

There's not a classy or intelligent face in the pack.

So much for being a "celebrity photographer" sent out, at a cheap-shit wage, to do what a monkey can do, which is point a camera and shoot. There's no art to THIS type of photography. The photographers here, are at the level of delivery boys, and ladies who take care of the xerox machine.

When you see photos taken at any event...the Academy Awards, the MTV Music Awards, any movie premiere, any "Party," you see all the cheesy bitches and stubble-faced stars posing in front of banners, or in a particular spot. What you DON'T see, is the image above...the pathetic rabble of grim, sweaty penned-in pigs who are kept behind a barrier near a stage door or in a designated area where celebs can choose to pose or not. Shooting fish in a barrel is more fun. The idios keep shouting "over here, over here," and try to elbow each other to get a better position, or squat or stand on tip-toe for a clear view.

Pathetic, isn't it? People may think, "Wow, if I lived in London, New York, Hollywood...I'd go to all these events and see STARS!" No, you wouldn't. You'd stay home and avoid boredom and irritation. You wouldn't go to tapings of TV shows, which are extremely boring and humiliating. You would resign from the job of standing around for hours waiting with a few dozen utter assholes, for Paris Hilton to go mincing by for five seconds, or worse, Kim Kuntrashian standing around for five minutes to make sure EVERYBODY got a picture of her mule-like face and her elephant ass.

Nope, real New Yorkers were nowhere near The Ed Sullivan Theater today. Oafs, mutants, mindless fools and tommorow's vagrants were.