The Dull World of Retired Librarian Bill Hoobastank

Yes, Ian, there have been some clever bastards.

But...even more dullards. Some of the more benign zombies simply wander around, sit on a park bench, and at worst, over-feed pigeons.

More inane dung beetles waste the money they get from their retirement pensions and "the government teat" by "collecting" stupid shit. They figure they can't die because they haven't completed their shit collection.

So they go to boot sales and then digitize the shit and spit it out thinking it's wonderful. This is like a throwing up and waiting for you to say something. Is it to mark territory (proudly, "this is MY blog") or just an act of a dumb animal that doesn't know any better?

You can't shatter their bubble. You can't say, "Christ, what a useless bunch of postcards...what a pointless collection of souvenir spoons." You just nod, say "that's nice," and hope to NEVER see them again.

You try to avoid their blogs but they keep invading forums and Twatter and Farcebook to beg you to se the latest. You can't say "get a life," because other drones protect the Dull Bee, and the Dull Bee will sit on his shit and moan "blogging saved my life!" If you still get pissed off enough to point out how annoying it all is, that gives 'em an extra thrill. It makes 'em feel alive!

Among the more ridiculous retirees, are guys like...BILL HOOBASTANK, who have to post photos of every mundane thing they do, and beg for "nice" comments and reflected glory because they paid money to pose with a D-list has-baeen.

Yes, you met Bill before. Of all the wretches, goons, misfits, jerks and dimwits who pose with celebs at memorabilia shows, he's one of the sappiest. He poses with the same dopey, childish look of wonder on his fat kisser, sucking his teeth in, sucking his gut in, and waiting in suspense for the magic flash

He'll pay $20 or $40 (of GOVERNMENT money) to pose with D-listers nobody would even recognize on the street.

It's fortunate the "celebrities" at these events have OLD photos of themselves on their tables. Nobody recognizes how they look NOW, and NOBODY buys the publicity photo of how they look now.

Some celebs really do need the name tag.

Bill seems to think that posing with nobodies makes him...somebody?

"Gosh Bill, look at you. You know celebrities?"

"I, uh, I...I got these at a MEMORABILIA SHOW!"

"You don't KNOW Louise Lasser even? You paid her $20 just to stand next to her?"

"See? I got to HOLD her HAND for five seconds!"

"What a jerk."

"Yes, she is...they all are. They are not like ME, a retired LIBRARIAN who now gets a pension from the university AND in a few years, MORE money from Social Security, tax free. So I feel SORRY for jerks like Louise Lasser who rolled the dice and freelanced all their lives."

"You're right Bill! YOU are the smart one. These creative types, they're JERKS!"

"I look at them as they sit at their desks. They need my $20 bill. What the hell. I'll take pity on them. I'm Bill Hoobastank! They work for ME. I'm EMPLOYING them!"

True.

Smelly clods like Hoobstank walk around with a sense of superiority. Their dull, drone jobs got them a pension. They have the fat wallets. The D-listers have to sit at desks, looking up to them, giving them a "please buy a photo of me" smile of hope.

It's an odd dynamic that formerly dynamic and creative people must sit around and wait for the great stupid unwashed to give them money and remember them.

What's that line, Mr. Ochs?"

"Like old whores following tired armies."

Of course Bill Hoobstank does get that child-like thrill being next to a STAR, and it shows with that stupid toothy little grin.

What a world, huh? "Gourd of the Boot Sale," a true turnip-head, shambles over to pathetic people who ARE NOT on the government teat, and he acts like THE LORD.

Who will get a few coins from THE LORD, in return for some ridiculous vinyl singles for his "collection?" Note his superiority in calling himself THE LORD. He OWNS music, he can sneer at artists because"they did not chart," and he's quite comfortable in SURREY. Would ANYONE consider it an honor to have their music stolen and posted on his blog? "Today I took my dog Muffin walkies, and I bought more records, and this one here DID NOT CHART." What an HONOR, to be on a "boot sale" blog with no respect or praise...just your hopes and dreams tossed into the pile along with The Singing Nun and blank label demos and "I never heard of this person" declarations.

But back to Bill Hoobastank.

He could just Photoshop that monotonous face of his on dozens of photos and save himself some money. BUT...he has plenty of money thanks to being a LIBRARIAN for 30 years, doing nothing, hanging around long enough that he will be paid half-salary or whatever it is, till he dies...PLUS social security. So he'll actually be making the same as he always did, but without having to work!

Ha ha ho ho hee hee.

Put on a stupid corny hat, Bill, and throw yourself a RETIREMENT party!

He's "Over the Hill," ha ha ha. So make best use of the time you have left! Go to BOOT SALES. Run a blog where you insist on stealing Beach Boys albums and burbling about "soft" music. Or...yes...get yourself a fucking BUCKET account and post literally THOUSANDS of pictures on it.

Confident he won't suffer identity theft, because nobody would want to be him, Bill Hoobastank has a Photobucket account. Of COURSE it's public, so EVERYONE can see his endless collection of photos with living legends like Sally Kellerman. He even has several Photobucket pages for his snapshots of DEAD CELEBRITIES...tombstone shots from graveyards all over the country. Hey, look at me, I visited THIS dead star. I won't let them rest in peace! I was there, my fat hulking body right on their grave, taking a shot of the tombstone!

Nothing better to do? Nothing better to do.

As you see on the left, he has tons of Internet photo albums on all kinds of earth-shaking topics. But most of all, there's his 500+ collection of family snapshots.

How many people, just like THIS idiot, DO get their identities stolen? DO get home invasions? DO get into a ton of trouble for being so stupid on the Internet?

This guy happily tells the world everything they need to know thanks to his Farcebook page.

The only surprise is that, in addition to his birthdate, he didn't put his fucking social security number on that cake.

Hmm, he posts a picture of his birthday cake from TEN YEARS AGO (when he was turning 50) to remind people that in a few months he'll turn 60?

And what DO you get for the fat-faced smirking ex-librarian "over the hell" pudge who has everything?

Oh, maybe a ticket to the next MEMORABILIA show!

"Over the Hill" Bill, sappy in the face, dry in the scrotum, trudges along with his menopausal wife, from table to table, They are so happy to meet a celebrity they thought was already dead. Good one, you two...