Tiger Woods Has 2 Back Surgeries : "I Haven't Hit a Woman in SUCH a Long Time"

Behind the headlines...

Q: Hello, Woods. You look wooden. You look like a fucking ventriloquist dummy. Anyone ever tell you that?

WOODS: You just did. Didn't you? I'm on heavy medication. It's terrible not being able to play with my putter.

Q: Looking forward to fucking some idiotic blonde bitch in the ass while cursing her for being white?

WOODS: Do you have Shauna Cuntwell's phone number?

Q: You fancy her?

WOODS: She's built like a golf club! I wonder if she's a fan of mine.

Q: You don't have many fans anymore, do you? You haven't won a golf tournament in years. I bet you get more jeers than cheers.

WOODS: Well, yeah. In fact I actually had someone punch me as I walked by.

Q: An example of the fan hitting the shit!

WOODS: Oh, very fucking funny.

Q: I stole that from Clement Freud. He said it about 40 years ago. You're about 40 now. Are you blaming your back problems on age or golf?

WOODS: No, it's ass-fucking blondes. It's not easy getting into that hole. It's tight. You work different back muscles and you have to go slower. If you don't you're thrown off by all the screaming. When a woman screams like that, I can't hear myself cursing.

Q: Lindsey Vonn's asshole got too stretched out? She got upset she couldn't ski without shitting? That why she left you?

WOODS: All I remember is one night I slid in on her diarrhea, but got too cocky. I fucked her so fast my back went out, and I was in so much pain. Grr! In fact, I call it a "back grr."

Q: And when your knee goes out, is that a "knee grr?"

WOODS: Don't blame THAT one on Clement Freud. But you're right. I've had four knee surgeries, you know. But no more puns like that, you racist. People hate me because they're racists. That's how it is in America.

Q: Not at all. Black athletes have been icons and beloved since Joe Louis in the 40's and Willie Mays in the 50's and on and on. America's been the first place to idolize black athletes. YOU were an idol till you turned out to be an obnoxious fucker with a sadistic streak toward white women. You noticed nobody's too upset that you're ranked 400 and haven't won since 2013? Nobody's been hoping for a comeback except Lindsey Vonn.

WOODS: She hoped for come on her back. She hated it when I'd come in her ass. What came out was vanilla fudge. That was another reason we broke up. She'd lay a swirl of brown and white in her knickers, and it was just terrible.

Q: I'll bet.

WOODS: Yes, after something like that, she couldn't sell 'em on EBAY!