"What will I use for self-pleasure?" Moans Shauna Cuntwell

No more bananas???

Oh well. "Let them eat hummus."

As long as stinky halal food can be slopped against a greasy skillet and tossed into a bowl, who cares about bananas? Right, Muzzies?

As we learned from Squeeze long ago, "Arabs chew on dates."

But back to the misadventure of the upcoming banana shortage. It's just Mother Nature's way of saying "Fuck you for destroying my Earth."

Scientists have noted the disappearances of everything from frogs to bees. So why not bananas? Perhaps fruit growers will simply do what "farmers" are doing with salmon: put 'em indoors. Get some seeds and build some hot-houses and hope that some new strain doesn't infect those, too.

From "Mad Cow" (a sudden need to buy Adele CDs) to AIDS to bird flu, there are plenty of new and mutating diseases to affect animals and humans. Things that were once rare (like leukemia) have mounted a comeback, and shit nobody ever heard of, like diverticulitis, is afflicting more and more fat blobs every day.

"No tigers, in fifty years," forecasts no less a genius than William Shatner.

Hey, the way the polar ice cap is melting, maybe that area can sport a nice polystyrene floating island where bananas could grow in the hot sun.

As for poor Shauna Cuntwell, she says: "It's back to Kickstarter for a "fund a dildo" campaign. Ideally, I'd like people to give me enough money to buy a new microphone, so I can shove the old one in my twat!"