Darren: "I WANTED TO LOOK HIGHBROW!"

Here's a screencap from Darren's latest GooTube video. He's staring into the monitor, looking at his hair transplant.

Since he speaks in a moping whisper, the sound needed to be turned up. Oh, he was really moping this time:

"What a disaster. The wife never has sex with me anymore, and I thought maybe a hair transplant would make me look younger.

"I went to a National Health doctor and said, "I want a highbrow transplant." The fucking wog thought I said "Eyebrow transplant," which IS allowed as long as you can claim it's for religious purposes and you're Muslim.

"Next thing I know, he's grafted eyebrow and mustache hair all over the top of my head! Do I look stupid? I mean, stupider than before?

"Shauna came in after me, for a gynecological exam, and this maniac grafted some of my extra eyebrow and mustache hair on her twat! Now it takes her an half the morning to shave it off! It grows in thicker every time! Now her crack exhales whispery noises that make no sense! And you thought she was a stupid twat before!

"Fortunately Bill wasn't affected. He was in New Jersey, upping 80 photos onto Farcebook of his visit to a NYC auction house. They were selling movie memorabilia so this excited him to drive in and see old junk that was in a film studio warehouse. Like two movie scripts.

"I know. Why read the scripts when you can fuckin' buy DVDs of "Planet of the Apes" or "The Body Snatchers?" If you're a film student, it's easy to find movie scripts that show you what the format looks like. Big deal. But Bill was drooling at the chance to take a souvenir photo!

"Below? Bill took a photo of a few morons standing around glomming a costume from "Ben Hur." You can imagine the two fags thinking about who will try it on while the other crouches to give a blow job under the skirt.

"Jesus. Bill lives in New Jersey, about two hours away from civilization. It's his religion to travel to graveyards or memorabilia shows and stare. He brings a plastic bag full of peanut butter sandwiches, his teeth snaggle against his lips, and he snap snap snaps photo after photo. How much would you pay for an old man's cane? FIVE thousand? TEN thousand?

"That's no ordinary cane, of course. As religious fanatics know, inanimate objects are magical. Holy. Full of auras and vibes. A bishop's hand? A vial of blood. A Koran that once belonged to the man who invented hummus? These are prizes! For Bill, all actors are holy. That cane was owned by Bela Lugosi. Yes being a frail old man with barely a year to live, his body weakened by years of drug addiction, Lugosi walked with a cane. He probably had a dozen of 'em. THIS cane, forensic comparison shows, was the one he used in a brief home movie Ed Wood shot, which was inserted into "Plan 9 From Outer Space."

"Lugosi was not actually IN the movie. He died before it was completed. Wood used the minute of home movie footage of Bela walking around, and then got a stunt double to hide his face with a cape and wander around a graveyard. But gosh, Bill shat his nappy just snapping this photo of a wooden cane in a glass case once gripped by the old arthritic fingers of a luckless ex-star.

"And just think, in another ten years, whoever buys this will be saying to people, "Waddya mean you never heard of Bela Lugosi? Who do you think played Dracula in the movies? Christopher Lee? Did you say Christopher Lee?"

"And so it goes. Bill didn't actually bid on any of these pointless pieces of junk. He DID buy adult diapers once he arrived at a Wal-Mart near his Weehawken home. After he uploaded his 80 fucking photos of junk for sale, I called him up.

"I said, "Hey, big fat infantilism idiot who still has his baby teeth, come back to the UK! Look in on your bandmates. Shauna's twat is covered with my eyebrow hair, and my head looks like a dead hedgehog passed out on it." And all he did was gurgle."