BILL'S BOWIE TRIBUTE ENRAGES BAND MEMBERS

Secretly uploaded to iTunes from his Weehawken home, Bill Hoobastank's Bowie tribute solo album has exploded the increasingly public feud with his bandmates.

Darren, instantly taking to GooTube, softly and grimly issued his appraisal. Sitting with headphones on, he spoke through the entire album. The highlights:

"Corr...can't believe it...he's gurgling again...can't make out any lyrics...sounded like a fart there...more giggles...doesn't he know he's NOT a solo singer? I've found a fat woman who has almost as big an arse as his...she can recite "Pride and Prejudice." She can also help me with my math when I can't figure out the shipping and tax on an Amazon order...if Bill doesn't stop these solo projects...if he doesn't leave nice comments on my GooTube channel...I don't know what to do. I mean besides experimenting with styles of beard stubble...Ooof. Listen to this! It's to Bowie what I am to relevance."

Darren was seething over Bill's versions of:

Suffer Twat City, The Man Who Sold the Twat, (You Will) Set the Twat on Fire, Always Crashing in the Same Twat, April's Twat of Gold, Twats Keep Swinging, Lady Grinning Twat, Twatarus, Oh You Twatty Things, Rock 'n' Twat Suicide, Tis a Pity She Was a Twat, Ziggy Twat Dust and a tribute to Iman called Blacktwat.

Did Shauna Cuntwell feel there was veiled anti-bint symbolism in Bill flashing a "not for girls" Yorkie bar? Or also smoking a cigarette, defiantly content to be out of shape? She made no mention of any of this.

She just said, "Guuuyyyyys, I got a new camcorder. It can show every pore on my shaved twat! I've got a new microphone with a built-in autotune. I am an iTune solo performer now so it's only a matter of time for me to be Dublin's answer to Taylor Swift. Or a Playtex Super-Absorbent Tampon."

There you have it. The group Toothpicks and That may well have reached the end of the line. Grace Slick said, "There's just no way it continues with such a valuable member gone as of today. What? No, no, I meant any version of Jefferson Twatdrip. Who the fuck is Bill Hoobastank?"

Reached for comment by phone, Don Henley said, "This isn't the We-Deliver Liquor Store is it? Can you bring me my wine? No? Then fuck OFF! I've got worries of my own. I may be developing an ulcerative hoobastank. You can die of that. I think Grace Slick was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Old Twatitis. By the way, David Bowie is STILL dead."